The Man Comes Around

5 Talented Actors Who Just Can't Say No

2011-10-11T19:27:00.003-04:00

I know, things are tough all over. Even millionaire actors need to eat. Wait, what? Whatever the reason, some thespians feel the desire to shit on their own legacies from time to time. Or, in the case of these five examples, a lot of the time. Here are five actors that need to fire their agents.

BEN KINGSLEY

So, you're Ghandi. You have memorable roles in Schindler's List and Searching For Bobby Fischer. What's your next move? Play a hapless scientist in alien killer sex-babe clunker Species? Sure, why not? It's all good, you redeem yourself by playing one of the all-time great cinematic assholes, Don Logan, in the criminally underrated and unseen Sexy Beast. Wait, who's on the phone? Oh, it's Uwe Boll. He wants you to star in BloodRayne. You know what? Throw The Love Guru in there too. Jesus, man. Stick with Scorcese (Shutter Island, the upcoming Hugo) from now on.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Holy cannoli, where to start? I guess when you star in two of the greatest films of all time in the same year (Heat and Casino) you lose all ability to choose good roles to play. Seriously, what since Ronin has lived up to anything before it? Rocky & Bullwinkle? Righteous Kill? Parents, Fockers, where does it end? Sad, really.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

While Christopher Walken has found a new generation of fans with his stints on Saturday Night Live, his film output hasn't been nearly as impressive; it's funny, but in a "your dog has cancer" way. OK, so it's not really funny at all. Anybody catch Click? Balls Of Fury? Gigli??? Walken tempers his bad choices with occasional great roles (Catch Me If You Can, Kill The Irishman) but the man needs more cowbell, less horseshit.

OWEN WILSON

Wilson and his brother Luke started off evenly with the enjoyable and interesting Bottle Rocket; while Owen didn't end up bloated and doing phone provider commercials, his C.V. reads like a bipolar patient's mood swings. For every Royal Tennenbaums there's a Shanghai Knights, for every Wedding Crashers a rom-com Kate Hudson abomination. The voice of Marmaduke, dude? Was that necessary? Other than a great turn in Woody Allen's recent Midnight In Paris, Owen Wilson looks like he might end up joining his brother in corporate-shill hell.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

If you have to ask, you'll never know.

Show review: Alcest @ Cafe Nine, New Haven CT

2010-04-29T21:46:00.005-04:00

Whenever black metal elitist pricks get angry, it makes me smile. Alcest has been doing a good job of that since 2007, with the release of the shoegazey, ambient slice of heaven "Souvenirs d'un autre monde". It's not troo or kvlt, and that's pretty much what I look for when I'm listening to this stuff.

This project is really a one-man band; Neige (also of Peste Noire and Amesoeurs) writes and records all the instruments and vocals himself. For this, Alcest's first American tour, Neige hired some of the guys from his other bands to fill out the lineup.

What I was most interested to see is how (or if) the band could match the atmosphere and ambiance of the album. It's a very "open" record, which is one of its strengths. It's drenched in echo and recalls the countryside, open fields of flowers and all that. Cafe Nine is extremely small, but ironically the tight quarters made the songs better. The drums were loud but not overpowering; Neige and the hired-gun rhythm guitarist complemented each other perfectly. What makes Alcest truly engaging live is how effortless they make everything look. These songs are complex and layered; the band makes it seem easy.

Being French, stage banter was limited to several quiet "Thank you"s from Neige. Even if English was their first language, the post-rock/shoegaze jams don't really lead to cracking one-liners or any stereotypical frontman quips. There was no feedback between songs, only silence from the enraptured crowd. There was a girl in the audience that flew in from Denver for this show; that's what this music means to some people. I'm fairly certain that everyone there knows they were part of something special.

Film Review: Crazy Heart

2010-02-10T03:57:00.004-05:00

Everything about this movie screams "Oscar fodder", and maybe it is, but that doesn't prevent Crazy Heart from being a fantastic piece of work. Jeff Bridges owns the lead role; he's not so much acting as living the part of Bad Blake, an aging journeyman country singer trying desperately to hold on to something that resembles a future. Part of the film's appeal is its simplicity; the previous sentence sums up the plot. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's predictable, but from the start this is obviously a redemption story. You might know what happens next, but it's how the characters get there that keeps you involved.

Many people have referred to this as a country music version of The Wrestler, and there is some merit to that. Bad Blake is over the hill, broke, and doing gigs that are beneath him. Along the way he meets a woman (more on that in a bit) that gives him a glimmer of hope, but like everything else in his life it goes wrong.

No one but Jeff Bridges could have played this role. His appearance is full-on Nick Nolte: disheveled, haggard and rambling. The fact that Bridges is a singer/guitarist himself helps tremendously during the band scenes. There's nothing I hate more in a movie than when an actor obviously has no clue what to do with an instrument. Bridges delivers Blake's lines like I imagine he would if you were to meet him on a street corner in real life. Crazy Heart has that '70s indie cinema downer feel, the lovable loser audiences have been rooting for since Paper Moon.

Robert Duvall and Colin Farrell turn in great supporting roles; Farrell was unexpected (he wasn't top-billed and barely glimpsed in the trailers) and only in two scenes but showed that when he wants to be, he can be a great actor. He plays Tommy Sweet, Blake's popular protege and sonic rival. The music itself should be considered a lead role; T-Bone Burnett crafted some amazing songs for this movie, and both Bridges and Farrell sung the songs in the film.

The only gripe I have is Maggie Gyllenhaal as Jean, Blake's love interest. She's an OK actress but, as a friend once put it, her face looks like it's painted on a kneecap. I suppose the bar shouldn't be set too high though, considering Blake is a 57-year-old alcoholic burned-out country singer.

First-time director Scott Cooper has set the bar high for his future; not since P.T Anderson's Sydney has a director shown so much potential right out of the gate. Cinematographer Barry Markowitz must be given his due as well. The large expanses of open country are captured beautifully, giving the film almost a Western feel at times. And really, that's what Crazy Heart is: a lone cowboy, searching the land for redemption.

Film Review: Youth In Revolt

2010-01-26T23:37:00.000-05:00

Michael Cera has built a pretty successful career around being awkward. From Arrested Development to Superbad to this film, playing the gawky kid has worked to his advantage. Even though it was only released a few weeks ago, Youth In Revolt has all but disappeared from theaters and hasn't even recouped the cost of production yet. Odd, considering I would say this is Cera's best acting performance in film to date. Let me explain.

Most people want to see the Michael Cera from Year One, another George Michael Bluth character to set up in awkwardly funny scenes. There is plenty of that in Youth In Revolt, but it's everything else that will turn off the masses. Really, if you describe his Nick Twisp character to the average moviegoer ("he's a sixteen-year-old who loves Sinatra and Fellini, and he makes fun of futurist poetry!") they're going to be confused, not amused.

But a big part of why this movie works is that it wasn't made for everyone; it really feels like it was made for writers. The characters speak with an overly-abundant vocabulary for no particular reason, everyone writes in journals and lines are delivered with all kinds of wordplay. The plot is simple enough - eccentric boy meets eccentric girl, girl rejects him, boy creates psychopathic split personality - but it takes the old standard story and puts it through a grad school writing group. Think of it as a nerdy teenage Fight Club.

Unfortunately Youth In Revolt will probably get lumped in with the lesser Napoleon Dynamite, but it's so much more than your typical "quirky indie comedy". The pace and timing are spot on, and with dialogue like this - "I'll only ask once that you and your adorable sweater step away from the door. " - it's a necessity. Zach Galifinakis, Fred Willard and even Justin Long turn in great supporting roles, and Ray Liotta apparently reprises his Asshole Cop role from Observe & Report. See this movie.

I wish it was an actual mixtape.

2009-12-28T21:20:00.009-05:00

I miss my old stereo. I used to love making mixtapes for my car, because I would have to sit there and listen to each song as I recorded it from the CD and remember why I wanted to have it on there. I'd go completely AWOL on the song order, too; Grand Funk Railroad would bump up against Superdrag and be followed by Slayer. Why not? It's my car!

Alas, it is the Digital Age, and while making mixtapes and playlists is still fun, it just ain't the same. Still, I felt the urge to make one with some of my favorite tunes from 2009. This is by no means comprehensive or totally representative; there was a lot of music this year that I really liked. I could easily make over a dozen of these mixtapes, but that's silly. So here's this one.

Disclaimer: Most of these songs are mp4s, so if you don't have iTunes you are shit outta luck.

Hott Jamz of 2009 - 10 songs, 104.64MB

http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=2b7678804326aac20dec85adfe0a530ab7db4aa07fc17fb464328c9cace34742

Tracklisting:

Body Hammer - Deeper Into The Abyss

A Storm Of Light - Amber Waves Of Gray

Dinosaur Jr. - Pieces

Baroness - A Horse Called Golgotha

Speedwolf - I Am The Demon

Black Tusk - Death March

A Place To Bury Strangers - Ego Death

Kylesa - Unknown Awareness

Tombs - Merrimack

Cobalt - Dry Body

A paradox...

2009-12-02T22:16:00.002-05:00

Everyone bitches about "best of" lists, but all the same people eat them up like rock candy laced with crack. It's more like an excuse to unleash their awesome taste and superior opinions on the masses. I've done them, and I'm bored as shit with them. But there's a little bit of OCD nagging deep in my cerebellum, so I feel like I need to throw something out there. In lieu of rattling off a bunch of movies/albums/whatever from 2009, here are a few things from the past year I really enjoyed:

Best Beard Metal Album of 2009: KYLESA - Static Tensions

Yeah, I said it. Better than Baroness, Mastodon, 16, and whatever other sludge you can sling my way this year. Kylesa have discovered the perfect storm of riffs, melody and song structure that their peers just couldn't seem to find. This is the South on the rise.

Funniest new TV show of 2009: THE LEAGUE

F/X has been a reliable source for original programming for years, and The League keeps the winning percentage high. Success with shows like this come down to two things: good writing and comedic timing. If you haven't seen the "Mr. McGibblets" episode yet, what the fuck are you waiting for? Watch it here. Now.

Best movie of 2009: Inglorious Basterds

Oh shit, I went there. Yeah, The Road and Sherlock Holmes haven't come out yet, but it doesn't matter. Nothing I saw or will see this year can touch the pure cinematic joy of this film. The ghosts of Peckinpah and Sturges haunt the dark corners of this movie. Humor, despair, horror, and redemption woven through some of the most memorable war-movie characters since The Dirty Dozen. You can't go wrong.

The Dead Zone...not the good one.

2009-11-13T17:46:00.002-05:00

Yes, we've officially entered the Bermuda Triangle of cinema. Summer blockbusters are gone, which is a relief this year because there was a lot of suck to go around. October came and went without any good horror flicks (in wide release, anyway; if you haven't seen The House Of The Devil yet, get your ass to Mars).

What we have now is empty space until The Road comes along to force a hand down your throat and bring up turkey bile the day after Thanksgiving. (That's a good thing, by the way.) Even more frustrating is that there are some awesome movies out right now that happen to be playing nowhere near the tri-state area. Here are the best 3 films playing in select markets this weekend.

Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans

Nicloas Cage smoking crack, threatening old women with a .44 and dancing lizards. Do you really need another reason to see this? OK, I'll give you two; no, three: director Werner Herzog and Eva Mendes' boobs.

A Serious Man

Joel & Ethan Coen are by far the best film-making duo in cinema; their track record proves this beyond a shadow of a doubt. There hasn't been much coverage for this film, and it's not their best, but it's better than Burn After Reading and definitely worth seeing.

Black Dynamite

Everything about this movie is awesome. Blaxploitation films are even more enjoyable now, in our PC world gone mad. Michael Jai White takes everything great about them and puts it into one baaaad mothafucka. The fact this isn't playing in NYC right now is a crime. If you have a sense of humor and a soul, there's no way you won't love this movie.

October Horror Fest #30: MAY

2009-10-31T12:26:00.003-04:00

One of the most promising directors in horror to have come along in the past decade is Lucky McKee. His sense of style and storytelling hearkens back to the heyday of Carpenter, Romero and Hooper. May, his second feature, is a tightly written and brilliantly executed film that follows the titular character on a descent into subdued madness.

Angela Bettis, in a career-defining role, is May, a lonely and painfully shy twentysomething that works in a local vet hospital. Through flashbacks we find that she's had a difficult upbringing and can't relate to people. Her delicate, vacuum-sealed world is cracked when she meets a "perfect" guy (Jeremy Sisto) who has the potential to break her out of her shell and bring her into the real world. A creepy twist shatters the balance and sends May into a downward spiral.

Equal parts Carrie and Cronenberg, May has the atmospheric tension of a stage play. There is no real protagonist, as May becomes more entrenched in her madness, and supporting characters that had no redeeming qualities to begin with start becoming parts for May's grand scheme.

The scariest idea the film brings up is that this is all totally possible. How many of us knew that one girl or boy in school, the antisocial loner, made fun of and ignored daily? What happens to them when they grow up and nothing changes? May could very well be someone you know, just outside your peripherals, waiting patiently for the right person to come along.

Music review: KALIYA - Demo 2009

2009-10-30T12:43:00.002-04:00

Just in time for Halloween, here's some terrifying grindcore straight from Texas. KALIYA lean to the angry, piss-and-vinegar hardcore side of grind. Think Kill The Client, Defeatist and Hatred Surge. The three tracks on their Myspace sound just about perfect, production-wise; they're clean and clear without being slick, which is pretty rare for grindcore. The fact they recorded these songs live makes this all the more impressive.

The songs are all around the three-minute mark, longer than the usual grind outing, but this is a good thing. There are dynamics and melodies that recall musical peers like Gaza and Blacklisted; instead of just barked vocals and blast beats, there are actual hooks that make each song memorable. "Choke" and "The Reason", specifically, have well thought out song structures and riffs that other bands calling themselves "hardcore" should check out. "Brotherhood" sounds like a tractor trailer pile-up, speeding along with Slayer-like ferociousness until it crashes into a sludgy breakdown sing-along refrain at the end.

These demo recordings have expectations set to HIGH for the future. Here's to hoping we'll be hearing more from Kaliya in the very near future.

Myspace

October Horror Fest #29: TRICK 'R TREAT

2009-10-29T23:08:00.002-04:00

I had heard good things about this movie, but after just watching it now I have to say: this is the best movie about Halloween since Halloween. It really is the quintessential film for the holiday. I don't think I can say enough good things about Trick 'R Treat.

A lot of it has to do with the holiday itself. For me, being a horror fan is directly connected to childhood memories, specifically those from October 31. Whether it was running around the neighborhood for candy, looking for mischief with friends, or scaring myself out of my mind with horror movie marathons after trick-or-treating, the Halloween atmosphere captures that. I think I've been trying to relive those memories in scary movies ever since.

Writer/director Michael Dougherty seems to feel the same way. Trick 'R Treat takes place in a fictional small town in Ohio, but it could be any American suburb, mine or yours. A costume parade, decorations everywhere, and intertwining storylines (a la Creepshow and Tales From The Crypt) concerning those things that go bump in the night.

Unlike its slick Hollywood counterparts, this movie delivers genuine scares and off-the-wall absurdity in an even measure. Nods to the classics are plentiful, but it never comes across as a rip-off or hackneyed. These are original stories (albeit based on a short cartoon Dougherty made in the 80s) and they are executed brilliantly. If Pulp Fiction was a horror movie, Trick 'R Treat would be it.

It's too bad that more people won't get a chance to see this movie. Not only was its release pushed back two years, it went straight to DVD. Meanwhile, mindless shit like Saw VI is #2 at the box office right now. It's a crime. I was going to save this review until Halloween, but I want as many people as possible to check this out. I have no apprehension in saying this is the best horror film of 2009. Go get it!

October Horror Fest #28: INSIDE

2009-10-29T17:56:00.002-04:00

I've gotta hand it to the French lately; they are pumping out some seriously good horror films. High Tension, Martyrs, Frontier(s), and this little slice of home invasion terror. These movies are bringing fresh ideas to old standards, and it makes me sad that filmmakers of this caliber are so hard to find in America. The glut of awful PG-13 remakes and "reboots" in this country is not helping them. But for the time being, vive horreur français!

As I mentioned, the plot of Inside is fairly standard for a horror film. A woman is home alone on Christmas Eve, and someone is trying to break in and kill her. The twist is that the woman is extremely pregnant and the person trying to kill her is also a woman. Who just happens to want the baby that's inside her.

Despite being bloody and brutal, what truly sets Inside apart is the tension built throughout the film. The paranoia and unrelenting dread recalls other excellent films with similar elements like Halloween and the original Black Christmas. Beatrice Dalle plays the killer (simply known as "The Woman") and succeeds in being both repulsive and alluring, not unlike the Aunt Ruth character in The Girl Next Door.

This is not an easy film to watch, especially for any woman who may be pregnant. This might sound like a prescription drug warning, but the graphic violence directed towards a woman with child is about as extreme as horror can get. It reminds why we like scary movies to begin with: the primal rush of fear, and true horror hits close to home.

October Horror Fest #27: SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES

2009-10-28T00:00:00.002-04:00

Ray Bradbury is arguably America's greatest living short fiction writer. Since the Forties, he has created fantastic tales of science fiction, fantasy and horror that never seemed to stray too far from our familiar lives. He was particularly adept at capturing the innocence and vibrancy of youth, and that is readily apparent in his novel-turned-screenplay Something Wicked This Way Comes.

Two young boys are drawn to a mysterious traveling carnival that has arrived in their town. Mr. Dark (Jonathan Pryce) is the ringleader, and promises the boys and others that he can make their childhood fantasies come true...for a price.

Disney would never make a movie like this now. It's dark, scary, and very well done. Bradbury adapted his own work for the screen, a surprisingly rare occurrence in filmmaking and a credit to the movie. There are some great performances from the young actors, as well as screen legends Pryce and Jason Robards.

Unfortunately, very few Bradbury adaptations have proved effective. This is by far the standout work. All his odd characters and visual cues are on full display here; the theme of the novel is the basic struggle between good and evil, and director Jack Clayton captures that without being too overbearing. Like Monster Squad and Gremlins, this is a film that has strong ties to childhood and the wonder we had for the world around us. It's great at any age.

October Horror Fest #26: TRICK OR TREAT

2009-10-27T11:42:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, a movie can't live up to the coolness of its marketing campaign. Look at that poster; this movie should be badass, right? A rock and roll horror flick with Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osborne? You can't lose! Well, yeah, you can.

What's tragic is that this could have been a horror-metal masterpiece. Caught up in the PRMC-music censorship frenzy of the time, this movie was a middle finger to Tipper Gore & Co. A metal idol, Sammi Curr (basically Blackie Lawless, who was originally set to play the part) dies in a hotel fire. His biggest fan, Eddie, is heartbroken and goes to his DJ buddy (Simmons) for consolation. What he gets is an unreleased Curr record, and when he plays it backwards...party time!

So you have Fastway doing all the original songs, metal legends playing various charcaters, an evil undead metal singer killing everyone off, and Satanic messages coming from the turntable. What could top that? Atrocious acting and lame special effects, that's what. But who cares? This movie is hilarious. Metal fans, especially, will get all the inside jokes and references. (Keep an eye out for the posters on Eddie's bedroom walls.) This is the kind of movie that should be playing during your Halloween house party. It's way out of print on DVD, but that's what eBay is for. Rock out.

October Horror Fest #25: WILD ZERO

2009-10-27T11:28:00.002-04:00

The tagline says it all: "Thrill, Speed and Stupid Zombies". It's a bit misleading, because Wild Zero takes a while to actually get going. Is there a plot? Kinda. Something about rockabilly kids, rock club managers in short-shorts and zombies activated by a meteor. It's Japanese, don't try to figure out what's going on. Just roll with it.

For a self-proclaimed "Rock & Roll Jet!" movie, I would expect way more explosions and nudity. But the movie does deliver in a lot of ways. Guitar Wolf, "the greatest rock band in the world", play themselves, helping out fanboy Ace fight off zombies and get the girl. Actually, this movie is kind of like a 100-minute music video. It's comprised of multiple sections rather than a cohesive storyline.

These are real-deal zombies too, the stumbling kind that hunger for flesh. There's a little too much CGI blood towards the end, but overall the effects are pretty fun and visceral. Crack open some beers and enjoy.

October Horror Fest #24: DON'T LOOK NOW

2009-10-26T15:50:00.002-04:00

Criminally underrated and almost always overlooked in most horror overviews, Don't Look Now is a superb psychological thriller on par with Jacob's Ladder and The Shining. There in an unrelenting sense of unease and dread that develops right from the beginning and never really lets up.

Donald Sutherland, in one of his finest performances, is an American vacationing in Venice with his wife (Julie Christie) after the accidental death of their young daughter. They are visited by blind twin sisters, one of whom is a psychic and insists their daughter is still alive. John Baxter (Sutherland) refuses to believe her, but soon starts having psychic flashes of his own and slowly loses his grip on reality.

This is a film I always try and recommend to people. The acting is brilliant; there's actually a long-standing legend that the sex scene between Sutherland and Christie wasn't simulated. How's that for effective? The city of Venice is beautifully captured by the cinematography. Its decaying architecture is the consummate metaphor for Baxter's slow decent into paranoia. The strong use of symbolism is also very well utilized and adds an element of film noir to the film. Another must-have film, not just for horror fans but anyone who lives cinema.

October Horror Fest #23: THE BEYOND

2009-10-26T15:33:00.002-04:00

The Beyond is without a doubt Lucio Fulci's peak as a director. After more than two decades of low-budget comedies, giallos and more than a few misfires, Fulci began to hit his stride with Zombi 2. After moderate success with what is now the cult classic City Of The Living Dead, the director decided to further explore the theme of metaphysics. What resulted is a mostly non-linear fever dream of horrific images and gory murder sequences that most fans call his best film.

The plot, which is mostly secondary to everything else, is simple: a woman moves into a hotel in New Orleans that happens to be built over one of the Seven Gates of Hell. (One of the biggest gaffes of the film is that there are no buildings with basements in New Orleans, but that doesn't really matter here.)

This is a perfect example of the 80s Italian horror film: style over substance. It looks great, but don't try to find any great acting or story development. It's all about the trippy images, creepy characters and gore effects. The Beyond has all three in spades, and is essential viewing for any horror fan.

October Horror Fest #22: MASTERS OF HORROR, PART 2

2009-10-22T18:05:00.002-04:00

EPSIODE 15: Family

John Landis can do horror-comedy like few others. An American Werewolf In London and Innocent Blood were absurd in their respective situations, but truly frightening nonetheless. Family finds George Wendt in an uncharacteristically psychotic role, and the twist at the end isn't that much of a surprise but it's still pure genius and totally satisfies.

EPISODE 18: Pro-Life

John Carpenter hits gold again, with a film even more sinister and dark than Cigarette Burns. A young girl is trapped in an abortion clinic, and there's something scarier than the people after her. This one gets a little political, which I'm not a fan of, but the effects are top-notch and Ron Perlman rules.

EPSIODE 24: The Black Cat

Tapping another icon of the American literary horror scribes, Stuart Gordon returns with his take on Edgar Allen Poe's story of writer's block and madness. Gordon incorporates details from Poe's own life into the screenplay, and the incomparable Jeffrey Combs plays Poe perfectly. This is definitely the last good entry in the Masters Of Horror series.

October Horror Fest #21: MASTERS OF HORROR, PART 1

2009-10-22T17:04:00.008-04:00

Masters Of Horror was a great idea that produced some really interesting and occasionally brilliant short films. The genesis of the project was director Mick Garris, best known for his film adaptations of Stephen King material (Sleepwalkers, The Stand, etc.) He wrote or co-wrote each episode and handed them to his circle of friends-basically every noteworthy horror director alive-and the Showtime series was the result. Carpenter, Hooper, Dante, Argento, they're all here.

Despite the pedigree of talent involved the total output was, for the most part, mediocre. A number of factors could be responsible: the shortened format, the availability of good talent, or maybe the inclusion of some questionable directors (Peter Medak? Really?) Still, it produced some excellent work; here's a guide to the best episodes.

EPISODE 2: H.P. Lovecraft's Dreams In The Witch-House

Stuart Gordon has established himself as the authority on film adaptations of Lovecraft. Since Re-Animator, no one has surpassed him in either quality nor quantity. This version of HPL's classic tale of madness diverges a bit from the original text, but it boasts solid performances from its cast and simple yet effective special effects.

EPISODE 8: Cigarette Burns

John Carpenter almost always writes his own films, so it's interesting to see him interpret ideas from someone else. The subject matter is also unusual for Carpenter: it's more of a murder mystery than a straight horror. But there's plenty of bloodshed and some genuine twists that keep you involved until the very end.

EPISODE 13: Imprint

By far the most controversial episode of the entire series, Imprint is a trippy descent into a haunted man's subconscious, where nothing is as it seems. As the story evolves, everything you discover becomes something else entirely. Takashi Miike is truly the master of subversive cinema. Showtime refused to air this episode because of its truly horrific content; don't watch this on a full stomach.

October Horror Fest #20: WARLOCK: THE ARMAGEDDON

2009-10-20T22:28:00.006-04:00

I didn't think I'd be reviewing any movie worse than Children Of The Living Dead or Pieces, but you can't pass up a golden opportunity like this.

Julian Sands is a bad motherfucker. You can tell, because he has a skullet and a British accent. Oh, and he's also the son of Satan. Apparently, there's a few rocks you gotta play with if you want to bring Papa Beelzebub up out of the basement.

If you want ridiculous, you're in for a treat. Cohesive plot? Nope. Cool special effects? Your iPhone can make better ones. Wearing a stone, looking at the moon and being instantly impregnated by Satan? You bet your sweet ass.

The first Warlock actually isn't that bad a movie. You don't expect much, and it doesn't deliver much. But this is Mystery Science Theater 3000 quality stuff right here. You'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to find someone overacting as hard as Julian Sands does in this movie. Jesus Christ, he's shooting dudes with his finger and spouting Wild West one-liners afterward. And keeping a straight face. Leave it to a Brit to try and make a z-grade sci-fi/horror thriller into Shakespeare.

Yes, this film is terrible. But it's also awesome. It has slipped the mortal coil of this world and passed beyond the "so bad it's bad" purgatory. You will groan with disgust and cry with joy. Watching Warlock: The Armageddon is the closest a guy will ever come to giving birth. Embrace the madness.

October Horror Fest #19: HATCHET

2009-10-20T21:26:00.002-04:00

The tagline says it all. This is an old-school American horror movie, and it comes with all the good and bad things associated with the genre. Writer/Director Adam Green definitely knows his subject well, and it's obvious that this isn't a slick Hollywood money-grab. The story succeeds in establishing a new icon in the Freddy/Jason/Michael vein, albeit with a bit less staying power. The trailer, which was made as a pitch to solicit funds to make the feature length film, does an excellent job of setting the mood, tone and overall feel of what Hatchet is all about.

Hatchet is everything a slasher should be. Some dumb girls get topless, a killer stalks the woods and picks off victims one by one, and the blood flows with no compromise. Movies like this get made every year, but this one has something that sets it above the rest: a heart. Green understands what makes a good scary movie, and that's immediately apparent in every aspect of the film. The characters are firmly established, even the expendable ones. Everyone has a story, and that's the essential component.

There are some horror icon cameos from Tony Todd(Candyman) and Robert Englund(Nightmare On Elm Street), plus Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees in Friday The 13th 7-11) pulling double duty as both Victor Crowley and Crowley's father in flashbacks. The rest of the cast is relatively anonymous, but they all play their parts well and convincingly.

The one drawback here is the idea that, as competent as Hatchet is, it could have been better. There's a bit too much campy humor, and while the kill scenes CGI-free and inventive, they feel a little too set up. It's nearly impossible to make a slasher movie unpredictable, but there are ways to make it a little less so. Still, this is a highly entertaining movie with high replay value. Any horror fan worth his or her salt needs this in their library.

October Horror Fest #18: THE BROOD

2009-10-18T21:20:00.003-04:00

David Cronenberg found his first real success with The Brood. After underground cult favorites Shivers and Rabid, this film would cement his status as the godfather of "body horror".

Inspired by a bitter custody battle for his daughter at the time, The Brood explores subjects like parthenogenesis, psychotherapy and telepathy. Pretty high-concept for a horror movie, but Cronenberg is a master of balancing intelligent ideas with the bloody visceral thrills horror fans seek out. In this case, a woman under the care of an experimental psychotherapist (Oliver Reed) expresses her negative thoughts and desires through evil spawn-children she breeds in a secret facility.

This film works well on two levels. First and foremost, it is truly frightening to watch. Scary kids in horror movies these days are completely played out, but the titular little devils in The Brood aren't some little Asian ghost kid in an elevator. They're more like tiny devil Terminators, created and driven by a single force. Imagine the manifestation of all your deepest, most diabolical thoughts in the bodies of a group of 7-year-olds. That's scary.

Second, the film forces you to dwell on some uncomfortable thoughts, like what your mind's potential really is. A patient in the facility develops lymphatic cancer as a result of his deep self-hatred. Another breaks out in welts all over his body, a manifestation of the pain caused by his father's abuse. Thirty years after this film we still have only a limited understanding of what our brains are capable of. Are these ideas so far-fetched?

The film drags a bit here and there, but overall it's an excellent example of Cronenberg's talents. You'll find yourself cringing whenever a character enters a dark room, knowing an evil creature that's almost a child is hiding somewhere inside.

October Horror Fest #17: THE MONSTER SQUAD

2009-10-17T10:35:00.003-04:00

Many of our most cherished cinematic moments are from childhood; the first movie you went to see in the theater, or something the whole family would watch every Christmas. Me, I remember the Saturday morning movie on WB 11. In October it was usually a horror movie; I remember being scared shitless by Poltergeist II and Rawhead Rex. But this same Saturday time slot also brought the two best "kids scary adventure" movies into my life: The Goonies and The Monster Squad.

It didn't quite have the impact of the Spielberg-produced classic from two years before, but definitely had a lot going for it: directed by Fred Dekker (House, Night Of The Creeps), written by Shane Black (the Lethal Weapon series) and the magic touch of special effects wizard Stan Winston (Terminator, Aliens, Predator, every awesome movie ever).

The story is fun and original, much like The Goonies: a group of neighborhood kids discover Van Helsing's diary, and find out that a secret amulet holds the key to keeping evil in limbo. Every 100 years, the amulet is vulnerable to forces of darkness, and that just happens to be tomorrow night. A man bursts into the local police station screaming that he's a werewolf, a mummy disappears from the local museum, and Dracula is blowing up the kids' treehouse. Time to kick ass!

After 20+ years and the fact that this is really a kid's movie, The Monster Squad really holds up well. The creature effects are brilliant, there are classic lines galore ("The Wolfman's got nards!" "I thought you were a virgin! Well, Steve doesn't count.") and all the young actors play their parts perfectly. One forgets sometimes that these are young kids, and good acting isn't easy. Also of note is Duncan Regehr's portrayal of Count Dracula' many consider it to be the best portrayal of that character on film. Not bad for a kid's movie.

Sadly, a movie like this wouldn't succeed if it were released today. It seems like MTV, Pixar and the Twilight franchise have a stranglehold on the tween audience. But that's what a cult film is all about; staying below the radar and building a dedicated following. That's what The Monster Squad has done over the years. It was finally released on DVD in 2007, and has enough special features to satisfy every fan of this great movie.

October Horror Fest #16: NEAR DARK

2009-10-17T10:00:00.002-04:00

It's about time to counter all the Twilight bullshit. Vampires that sparkle and don't suck blood? Are you kidding me?? Do me a favor: if you're over the age of 13 and read these books or go to see these movies, find a knife and run into it. Repeatedly.

Here's a real vampire movie, one of the new that don't mince around. Near Dark is bleak, visceral and unrelenting. No prancing Euro-trash fems here; despite the word "vampire" never being spoken, these bloodsuckers are the real deal. All thirst and no remorse. When a small-town Texas teen runs into a pretty girl one night, their makeout session doesn't exactly turn out all too well. Soon he's looking more pale than usual and has a real problem with sunlight. The girl's traveling dysfunctional brood reluctantly takes him into their fold, and the blood flows.

The theme of vampirism as a metaphor for addiction has been explored before and after this film, but Near Dark is by far the best example of it. Falling in with bad people, the cop at the bus station cornering Caleb (Adrian Pasdar) to see "what he's on", abandoning of the family - it all fits. The desolate rural Texas setting amplifies the atmosphere; overbearing sunlight during the day keeps the "family" in dark corners and limits most travel to cold, lonely nights.

Bill Paxton is at his best when he's playing either an asshole or a psychopath; as the maniacal wild-card Severin, he's both. It's a wonder that a vampire so off his rocker is still going after 100+ years. Lance Henriksen doesn't usually play the bad guy, but as the leader of the brood here he does it perfectly. Charming and humorous, but remorseless and ultimately a dead end for anyone that crosses his path.

Like all great horror films, this one is driven by the strength of its characters. It even has some morals to it - Caleb's love for his family leads to his salvation. Director Kathryn Bigelow has had a limited but excellent career; after this she went on the direct Point Break, K:19 - The Widowmaker and this year's The Hurt Locker, by far the best film made yet about the Iraq War. Apparently a Near Dark remake is in the works, but until then enjoy this one. The best vampire movie of the last thirty years.

October Horror Fest #15: THE FUNHOUSE

2009-10-15T14:52:00.003-04:00

Tobe Hooper is one of those horror icons, like Joe Dante and Don Coscarelli, that never quite had the success of their peers. After the unexpected success of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the critically acclaimed TV-movie version of Stephen King's Salem's Lot, Hooper was offered this film from screenwriter Larry Block. It was well received and made a good profit, but unfortunately it would be the last major movie Hooper was involved in before the Poltergeist controversy all but ruined his career in Hollywood.

After a great opening sequence homage to both Halloween and Psycho (and barely legal nudity) the film jumps right into the plot: four teenagers smoke some weed and crash the local carnival. They ride some rides, sneak into a peep show and then head for the titular attraction. Unbeknown to them, the carnie freaks have more than just scares waiting in the dark.

This movie hits all the right notes for a horror movie. The cinematography and set design capture the creepy old carnival atmosphere perfectly. It's a setting that would seem to lend itself to horror movies more often, but it's seldom used (or used well, for that matter). When the carnie freaks finally show up, the makeup effects are scary and realistic; one can only hope that Eli Roth will stay away from CGI in his proposed remake.

Despite, or maybe because of, the lack of any name actors, the performances are spot on and convincing. The kids are a little more 3-dimensional than the usual stalk 'n slash fare, but this isn't Carrie. The pacing is tight and the camerawork is almost reminiscent of The Shining with the utilization of wide angles and Steadicam shots. Definitely check this one out.

October Horror Fest #14: BEHIND THE MASK: THE RISE OF LESLIE VERNON

2009-10-14T14:50:00.002-04:00

Self-referential horror films have been in vogue since Scream, and I can't really say that I'm a fan. There's enough tongue-in-cheek, ironic humor in our culture as it is; there's no need to include my beloved horror movies in the fray. Slash and let slash, you could say.

Once in a while, though, something comes along that's good enough to be an exception. Behind The Mask does that for me. Part mockumentary, part straight-up slasher, this film is more ambitious than most - and it succeeds. An investigative news crew has been invited by the titular character to follow him around as he prepares for his next big kill, the one that will put him on the map. Along the way, he demonstrates how horror cliches are set up, introduces the crew to a retired killer that inspired his work, and ends up going after the crew themselves.

Granted, there are quite a few self-referential moments and humorous scenes. Nathan Baesel does a superb job as Vernon, playing both the average all-American nice guy and a homicidal maniac with ease. His descriptions of cardio workouts and the escape points from the old farmhouse are hilarious. But its in the second half of the film, when the crew is past the point of Man Bites Dog and realize that they're a part of the madness, that things kick into high gear and the real mayhem starts.

Writer/director Scott Glosserman balances both the humor and the bloodshed very well. The film never loses its focus, and the actors involved play their roles straight. Cameos from Robert Englund and Zelda Rubinstein (Poltergeist) are a nice touch, and the transition from documentary footage to actual movie is virtually seamless and comes at the right time. You don't need to be a huge horror nerd to get all the references thrown in, but a good knowledge of all things Freddy, Jason and Michael won't hurt.

October Horror Fest #13: THE FOG

2009-10-14T14:21:00.003-04:00

Sandwiched between the unprecedented success of Halloween cult classic Escape From New York, John Carpenter wrote and directed this excellent ghost story dealing with undead pirates haunting a sleepy north California coastal town. Despite a limited budget, Carpenter insisted on shooting The Fog in an anamorphic format. This adds to the feel and cinematography of the film considerably, and succeeds in making the movie "bigger" without the budget.

This is really where Carpenter hits his stride. He seems to be at his strongest when he takes on the writer/director/composer roles all at once. The cast is full of familiar faces from his previous films: Jamie Lee Curtis, Charles Cyphers, Tom Atkins, Adrienne Barbeau, and Nancy Loomis all make appearances, as well as screen legends Hal Holbrook and Janet Leigh. Rob Bottin lends his makeup effect wizardy to the ghost pirates, and turn them into something much more than floating apparitions. These are vengeful, murderous spirits than can't be bargained with or escaped from. The fact they are hidden by a glowing green fog much of the time adds to the tension, and when they are finally revealed, the scares pay off big time.

Some people wonder what makes the difference between a good horror film and a bad one. Whether it's Halloween, The Fog, The Thing or any of the others, the answer can be found in most Carpenter movies: character. When the audience can relate to what a person is going through on the screen, the story becomes much more personal. Carpenter's films are driven by strong, identifiable characters. The Fog succeeds in this regard tremendously. Whether it's the tortured soul of Father Malone, Stevie's frantic search for her son or Nick Castle determined to get to the bottom of what's going on, all the characters are well-defined and have a purpose. This is diametrically opposed to the 2005 remake, which should be avoided at all costs.

October Horror Fest #12: NIGHTMARE CITY

2009-10-12T17:11:00.003-04:00

This might not be much of an endorsement, but Nightmare City is by far the best shitty zombie movie ever made. It treads that fine line of cheesy and awesome that a lot of horror movies hover around. To most, it won't seem that much different than any other bad foreign zombie film of the 80s...but it is. There aren't too many plots for this kind of movie; in this case, a plane exposed to radiation gets the undead rolling. Plane lands, zombies attack, city is...nightmarish!

Yes, you'll be laughing through a lot of this, but that doesn't take away from it at all. These zombies run, know kung fu, and can use machine guns. I repeat: kung fu and machine guns. If you have a problem with that, I don't want to know you. They're more like vampires in that they go after blood instead of flesh, and they still have control over most motor skills (One of them manually lowers an office elevator!).

There's extremely little in the way of story or character development once the blood starts flowing. There's a news reporter/doctor couple on the run, and a general's wife holed up in her isolated mansion. Everything else is pretty much "run away from zombies". The zombie makeup is noteworthy for its shitiness: the blood-sucking goons look like they stuck their faces in a pot of hot oatmeal. There's a hint of some kind of social commentary, how there are "monsters creating monsters" or something, but a Romero movie this ain't.

Later films, especially the Dawn Of The Dead remake, would utilize zombies that do more than stagger around, so you could say this was a precursor. But really, these zombies can drive cars, sneak around, pretty much everything but talk, so it's one of a kind. I recommend picking up a 6-pack of Samuel Adams Octoberfest and settling down with Nightmare City. By the end of the last beer, you might love this movie as much as I do.

October Horror Fest #11: PIECES

2009-10-12T10:47:00.003-04:00

If you want some horrible acting and ridiculous plot lines, you're in the right place. Pieces tries to be several movies at once and fails pretty miserably at all of them. Chalk this one up to a Bermuda Triangle of shit:

1. Despite being filmed in Boston, half the cast is Spanish and dubbed horribly into English.

2. The lighting is so bad, most of the scenes are awash in shadows and you can't even tell what's happening.

3. Joe D'Amato wrote it.

There's a chainsaw killer loose on campus, and it apparently has something to do with nude jigsaw puzzles and tennis. Don't ask.

There's some full-frontal nudity, a whole lot of blood, and even more incoherent story. It's slightly reminiscent of the Italian giallo horror flicks that Argento was pumping out around the same time, but only because of the killer P.O.V. camera techniques.

I've sat through many a shitty horror movie, and I've been known to love quite a few of them. But Pieces actually takes effort to sit through all of it. If you're up for the challenge, power to you. If not, I understand. Not everyone can be as awesome as me.

October Horror Fest #10: HELL NIGHT

2009-10-10T11:59:00.002-04:00

Ah, now this is everything a classic 80s horror movie should be. Drunk college kids, a haunted house, inventive kill scenes and Linds Blair. What more do you need? Released in the summer of '81, Hell Night wasn't a huge success (it was actually the last film released by defunct Compass International Pictures) but this was the Golden Age of the Slasher, so there were plenty of quality flicks getting passed over by the public.

Four pledges (two guys and two girls) are instructed to spend Hell Night in haunted Garth Manor. While the pledge masters have been setting traps and practical jokes, the very real surviving member of the family that was massacred there has a plan of his own for the trespassers.

This movie really succeeds on all levels. The set design is fantastic; shades of The Shining, Halloween and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre can be seen throughout the mansion and its grounds. The kids aren't stupid, either. When they realize what's happening, they take charge and refuse to just be victims. The killer isn't seen until late in the movie, which is also a good effect that prolongs the tension and keeps the mood scary. Linda Blair is the only recognizable talent, but each actor's performance is decent to say the least.

Aside from some dated dialogue and lack of nudity, Hell Night has all the qualities a classic horror movie should. This is a definite must-own for serious horror fans, and even casual viewers should check this out ASAP. You'll be glad you did.

October Horror Fest #9: DEAD & BREAKFAST

2009-10-10T11:36:00.002-04:00

Horror-comedies are tough to pull off well. The name alone is an oxymoron; how can something scary be funny, and vice versa? This goes beyond black comedy, or a horror movie with a funny scene or two. I'm making a statement: the ONLY horror-comedy that exists is Evil Dead II. No other film (that I've seen, at least) balances the gruesome horror and laughs like Raimi's classic splatter fest. Everything else that is classified as a "horror-comedy" falls into the "funny movie with gore" category. This is where we find Dead & Breakfast.

This is not to say these movies are necessarily bad. This film, along with peers Shaun Of The Dead, Fido and others are very well done and have some great performances. There is no skimping on the gore or makeup effects, either; plenty of blood and guts are flying here. The plot for Dead & Breakfast is simple: traveling group of friends stop at sketchy deserted hotel, some residents end up dead, group becomes suspects, evil spirit is accidentally released and the townsfolk turn into zombies. Makes perfect sense.

Strong performances from genre vets like Jeremy Sisto, Gina Phillips and David Carradine (who probably did this as a favor to his daughter Ever) boost the legitimacy of the film, which is then balanced out by painfully unfunny zombie dancing scenes and hip-hop/country songs about the undead. This movie would have been much better if they had played it straight; the last stand in the hotel at the end is right up there with Night Of The Living Dead in tension and scariness.

Ultimately, this is a decent movie with lots of replay value. Most of the funny scenes are actually funny, and the flesh-chomping is in full gear. Definitely one to put on during a Halloween party; everyone can appreciate it, even those weird folks averse to scary movies. What's with those people?

October Horror Fest #8: RACE WITH THE DEVIL

2009-10-09T10:17:00.002-04:00

This is the kind of horror flick Tarantino and Rodriguez had on their minds when they were talking about "grindhouse cinema". Car chases, Satanic cults, Texas yokels, and a few Seventies icons. Race With The Devil rules from start to finish.

First of all, any movie with Peter Fonda AND a fancy new '75 Winnebago is a winner by default. Despite its hokey premise - two all-American couples stalked through Texas back roads by evil cult - it's the 70s and everyone is playing it straight, which removes the humorous irony that most scary movies tend to dwell on these days. Peter Fonda and Warren Oates lend a sense of credibility; these guys were still in their prime at the time, not desperate for work.

The film looks great in that Seventies way; a little washed out, but made up for with tight shots and good cinematography. The creepy score comes courtesy of Leonard Rosenman, who won an Oscar the same year for his work on Kubrick's Barry Lyndon. There isn't much gore or anything, but the sense of unrelenting dread makes for that in spades. Once the pursuit is underway, it doesn't let up until the surprisingly downer ending.

There really ought to be more RVs in horror movies; other than this and that scene in Friday The 13th Part 6, I can't really think of any. So, with that in mind, I can honestly say this is the best RV horror movie of all time. Check it out.

October Horror Fest #7: NIGHTBREED

2009-10-07T16:36:00.002-04:00

Clive Barker is an icon in the horror community. Stephen King famously referred to Barker as "the future of horror" and, millions of copies sold later, that prediction more or less came true. But like many other horror authors (including King himself) the transition from page to screen has been spotty, at best.

Nightbreed, based on Barker's novella Cabal, was plagued with production woes and negative studio intervention. Coming off the success of Hellraiser, Barker was obligated to deliver an R-rated film that was less gory, a ridiculous task to say the least. Combined with the studio forcing Barker to cut almost an hour from the final cut, the end result looks and feels like an incomplete movie. If this film were a book, it would only be a few chapters.

There are highlights, however. Danny Elfman's original score is fantastic. It sets the mood for each scene and sounds exactly like the soundtrack to a classic monster movie should. The makeup effects for the Nightbreed creatures are easily the best part of the film, followed closely by the set design. Each monster has a unique appearance and personality; they're not just otherworldly beasts, they're characters that you can invest in. Over the course of the film, the monsters of the Underworld go from being scary things in the dark to sympathetic, almost human, beings. They're the good guys this time.

The human characters' motivations are the biggest question marks in the film: why does Boone dream of Midian, the old cemetery home of the Nightbreed? Why does Dr. Decker (David Cronenberg), Boone's psychiatrist, want to destroy it? Why is the town sheriff such a prick? Perhaps these are all explained in Nightbreed's cut footage, which as of today is still sitting in a studio vault somewhere collecting dust. Recent petitions from horror fans have led to the release of other lost classics (Phantasm II being a recent example). Maybe the time has come to give Mr. Barker his due and get a director's cut of this film into the light of day.

October Horror Fest #6: THE DEVIL'S BACKBONE

2009-10-06T20:41:00.003-04:00

For this entry we travel to Spain, the home of visionary director Guillermo del Toro. The common thread running through del Toro's work is the fairy tale story; many of his films deal with children in perilous situations, and their battles to escape or resolve them.

Like it's popular "spiritual sequel" Pan's Labyrinth, this film is set in Spain during the Spanish Civil War of the 1930s. Young Carlos arrives at an orphanage, believing his father will come to retrieve him when the war is over. Almost immediately, the boy is witness to a ghostly apparition that only enhances the turmoil surrounding him in the isolated and decrepit orphanage.

Themes of abandonment and innocence lost permeate The Devil's Backbone. The desolate orphanage provide the perfect setting for hopelessness. Ghost stories may seem played out as horror film topics these days, but del Toro delivers the atmosphere and genuine chills that makes this work extremely well. The young child actors are be commended for handling such heavy material not only competently, but masterfully.

As I've mentioned before, the best way to watch a foreign film is with the original language audio track and subtitles. Dubbing just ruins the atmosphere, especially for a film trying to scare you. So remember that when you sit down to experience The Devil's Backbone. Warning: if you have kids, you'll never want to let them out of your sight after watching this. Enjoy.

October Horror Fest #5: SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE

2009-10-06T10:21:00.002-04:00

This is an interesting film. It's a somewhat-fictionalized account of the filming of Nosferatu, the infamous 1922 German adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula. The rumors and speculations surrounding that film have all the makings of a Hollywood movie, so it's a wonder it took almost 80 years to make it happen. Nicolas Cage's Saturn Films produced, with donations made online from private individuals being rewarded with a "virtual producer" credit on the DVD.

This movie works very well on multiple levels. The casting is brilliant; Malkovich as the egomaniacal perfectionist director F.W. Murnau is wonderfully fitting, and no one but Willem Dafoe could play the inimitably creepy and downright repulsive Max Schreck (who has to pull double duty, playing Schreck who is playing the character Graf Orlock). The legend goes that while Murnau was scouting locations in Eastern Europe for Nosferatu, he found Schreck living in a decrepit castle feeding on the blood of rodents. Stranger than fiction...

Shadow Of The Vampire is a wonderful ode to the era of silent film. The recreated scenes from Nosferatu are shot in black-and-white, but the rest of the movie is drenched in dark hues and stark angles. This maintains the atmosphere and theme of the whole idea. While there are a few moments of dark humor, all the actors are playing their roles straight here, which adds to the feeling of a genuine horror movie. The outstanding cast is rounded out by genuine talent like Cary Elwes, Udo Kier, Eddie Izzard and Catherine McCormack.

Dafoe lost out on the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor to Benicio Del Toro (Traffic) that year, so one can't really say he was robbed, but his performance was definitely worthy of recognition. He became Max Schreck in that role. While the film received plenty of critical praise and turned a profit, it seems to get lost in the shuffle of great horror films over the last decade. It's a fantastic movie with a great story and incredible performances; make it your next Netflix rental.

October Horror Fest #4: CHILDREN OF THE LIVING DEAD

2009-10-04T23:39:00.002-04:00

Being a horror movie fan means sifting through a lot of shit. For every great scary flick that gets made, there's about twenty godawful abominations. I'm not in the habit of recommending bad films, but Children Of The Living Dead needs to be seen, if only so I'm not alone.

I bought this on DVD in a rare moment of impulse; I had never seen in, nor knew anything about it. There were 3 indicators that compelled me to grab it:

1. It's a zombie movie.
2. The cover looked cool.
3. Tom Savini is in it.

How can you go wrong? Well, you can. Horribly, horribly wrong.

Looks cool, right? It starts off promising enough; some grave robbing, a badass main zombie with great makeup effects, and Sex Machine kicking all kinds of undead ass. Then the movie hits the ten minute mark, and it all goes to shit. There's some dumb kids traveling through town in a van, a la The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and you're actually pulling for the zombies to kill them because they're so goddamn unlikeable. The head zombie, an evil preacher or something (hard to tell because the exposition makes no sense) goes from destroying everything in his path to shambling around the rest of the movie. I'm not kidding; there's scenes where it's just this guy staggering through the woods or a field, not doing a damn thing.

This one comes dangerously close to crossing the line from "hilariously bad" to "painfully bad". Some decent action, kills and Tom Savini save it from being a complete failure, but just by a hair. If anything, it can inspire would-be zombie filmmakers. Someone invested money in this pile of shit, so why not yours?

October Horror Fest #3: DOG SOLDIERS

2009-10-03T23:03:00.003-04:00

Dog Soldiers not only succeeds as a horror film, but as a film period. Director Neil Marshall says it best: "This isn't a werewolf movie with soldiers, this is a soldier movie that happens to have werewolves". Masterfully directed, well acted, and featuring some of the best non-CGI effects seen in a long time, this is arguably the greatest debut for a horror film director since The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

A group of British grunts are dropped into the Scottish wilderness for war games against a rival unit. Several of the main characters have some good, gritty conflict going before any blood is shed. When the opposing team is found slaughtered, the soldiers find themselves hunted by a pack of big-ass lycanthropes and hole up in an isolated farmhouse. That's when things get really good.

I really can't say enough good things about this movie. The dialogue is spot-on, and is complimented by the great performances from a somewhat-unknown (at least to us in the US) cast. If there are any computer-driven effects, I can't find them, The werewolves are as realistic as you can imagine, realistic and huge. They never wear out their welcome, which is a trap too many horror films tend to fall into. Marshall knows that fear of the unknown is the biggest fear of all, and he keeps his audience on its toes.

As great as the action/kill scenes with the werewolves are, it's the human element that pushes this film from 'decent' to 'outstanding'. Each character has a real personality and is memorable in his or her own way. The conflicts that arise once the group has barricaded themselves in are just as dangerous as the beasts creeping around outside. If you haven't seen this movie, clear your Netflix queue and make it happen. There's rumor of a sequel in the works (of course) but in the meantime Neil Marshall's follow-up to Dog Soldiers, The Descent, is also required viewing for any fan of well-made horror flicks.

Good werewolf movies come along once in a blue moon. (Sorry, I had to.) This is the best one since The Howling. Yeah, I said it!

October Horror Fest #2: TENEBRE

2009-10-02T22:27:00.003-04:00

Any self-respecting horror fan these days has seen a few Argento films, and at least know a bit of what he's about. His movies are pretty much a wet t-shirt contest: awesome to look at, but not much else going on. That isn't to take away from what he's accomplished, though. The cinematography, camerawork and set design in classics like Suspiria and Deep Red is second to none, not to mention the gory special effects that kept the fans coming back for more.

Tenebre's plot is fairly derivative of the giallo genre: best-selling author goes to Rome, serial killer uses scenes from said best-seller as inspiration, creepy characters and nudity follow. It's not one of Argento's best-known films, but it has its merits.

The familiar black-gloved unseen killer is in full effect here, slashing his/her way through victims in scenes that are, to be frank, set up pretty ridiculously. How else do you explain a girl getting dumped in the middle of the street by a mad boyfriend, only to be chased by a raging Doberman through random backyards until she ends up in the killer's lair!? But as I mentioned before, when in comes to dear old Dario, plot and acting skills always take a back seat to kill sequences.

There are those who have said Argento is a misogynist; apparently, these people don't watch slasher movies too often. True, there are some fairly vicious death sequences contained here, but pretty girls have been getting offed in horrible ways since the Universal cycle of monster movies in the Thirties. The cat-and-mouse played here between the killer and the author (Anthony Franciosa) is a small step up from the generic whodunit; there are several well-placed red herrings, and even serious mystery fans will have trouble guessing the killer's identity before the reveal.

Argento enlisted the skills of Italian ambient soundscape rockers Goblin to score Tenebre, as he had throughout his 1970s/80s prime. The main theme is effective and haunting, and was recently covered by the excellent Finnish death-doom metal masters in HOODED MENACE. (You can listen to it at their Myspace here.)

This isn't Argento's best work, but it's certainly not his worst. Innovative camera angles, gaudy 80s Roman sets and a scene-chewing John Saxon all add to the film's charm. The one big drawback to this DVD version, like the rest of Anchor Bay's Argento releases, is the lack of subtitles for the original audio track. The dubbing is abysmal. Still, check this out if you can. It was the first Argento film I ever saw and it quickly led to the works of Fulci, both Bavas and the other Italian splatter maestros.

October Horror Fest #1: NIGHT OF THE DEMONS

2009-10-01T10:11:00.004-04:00

This 1988 classic was a welcome departure from the repetitive slasher flicks that were dominating the horror genre at the time. The plot was simple enough: group of horny high school kids decide to have a Halloween party in abandoned, possibly haunted funeral home. Seance occurs. Demoniacal hijinks ensue!

The story isn't exactly original; it's been done before, and plenty of times since. What sets Night Of The Demons apart is some good cinematography, several memorable characters, decent acting and, most importantly, great special effects. There was actually a bit of controversy surrounding the movie; hard to believe now, but it was turned down by just about every U.S. film distributor due to its violence and gore. The release was pushed back from September to October until a European distributor picked it up. The gore in the movie will seem extremely tame to any horror fan these days, but at the time its notoriety just amped up ticket sales. It was moderately successful and led to 2 decent sequels...and the inevitable remake, which comes out this month.

Now unless you get really frightened by scary movies, Night Of The Demons isn't going to be keeping you up at night. Like most 80s horror flicks, this works best with a group of friends and alcohol. There are some classic lines ("Yeah, man, eat a bowl of fuck! I came to party!") and exchanges, like this one in a 7-11 before the party:

Suzanne: Do you guys have Sour Balls?
Convenience Store Clerk: Why sure we do.
Suzanne: Too bad. I bet you don't get many blow jobs!

Suzanne is played by the aforementioned Linnea Quigley, so you know what to expect there. There's also a somewhat random demon-possessed dance sequence set to a Bauhaus song. Did I mention this was an 80s movie?

This really is a notch above most other horror flicks of the time. The production value is high despite a modest ($1.2 million) budget; Hull House, the haunted setting for the party, is convincing and actually pretty scary. Plus the token black kid doesn't die first, or even second! Keep an eye out for the mean old guy with the apples. He gets what's coming to him.

(Watch the whole thing on Youtube here.)

October: the best month of the year.

2009-10-01T09:51:00.003-04:00

I love New England and being a New Englander. Warm summers, snowy winters, and perhaps best of all, crisp falls. Namely, the month of October. This is the time of year that drives tourism photography. Foliage in full effect, pumpkin patches, you know the drill. I like that stuff too, but what does it for me are three things: football, a nice Stone Fence, and horror movies. Autumn just brings out the scary around these parts, and it's not just Halloween. It's the Salem witch trials, the real haunted houses, and just about everything Stephen King has ever written. It's Lovecraft, Poe and Hawthorne. For me, the weather and vibes just go along with watching scary movies.

So, in honor of October, I'll be screening and reviewing a different horror movie each day of the month. Most of these will be films I've already seen and know well, films that might not be that well known to others that deserve some attention. However, there are movies coming out this month, both on DVD and in theaters, that I'll try to work into this as I go.

So check back each night for your daily dose of the scary stuff, come up with some drinking games, and enjoy.

A guide to watching movies from the 80s.

2009-09-28T11:30:00.006-04:00

The market for nostalgia has grown exponentially for years now. It's not really a surprise; combine the cyclical nature of popular culture and trends with the great American dream and BAM! Instant marketplace. But lately it seems that a good chunk of this revenue comes from the irony savings account; that is, people wearing clothes and listening to music or watching movies because they think it's funny, and wanting other people to know they do these things because it's funny.

Needless to say, I am not one of these people. Are you? Here's a quick test:

1. Have you worn a classic thrash metal band's t-shirt without actually having ever listened to said band?

2. Do you shop for clothes at Goodwill and/or Salvation Army despite having a trust fund?

3. Do you have a subscription to Fader?

If your answer to any of these is "yes"...

OK, so that's out of the way. If you're still here you're cool with me. So let's move on to a nostalgic subject near and dear to me: the films of my youth, the glorious 1980s. I Love The 80s? Fuck that, I am the 80s.

There are a few things one should know right from the beginning:

Just as an object in motion tends to stay in motion, an 80s film with J.T. Walsh tends to be an 80s film with J.T. Walsh as The Bad Guy.

This actually extends pretty far into the Nineties, too. If you're watching a movie and J.T. Walsh is in it, chances are you know who the bad guy is going to be.

Also, I think it's safe to say most people are intimately familiar with the classic Schwarzenegger/Willis/Gibson flicks from back then. Honestly, if you're an American under 40 and can't quote something from Predator, Die Hard, or Lethal Weapon, I'm inclined to think you may be a clone. Or a robot. Or a robot clone! However, there are other heroes of this decade that might look familiar, but never quite achieved the fame and notoriety of their 80s peers.

Michael Dudikoff

That's right, he is THE American Ninja. Dudikoff was definitely a badass in his time, so much so that he made 3 additional American Ninja movies to show everyone how badass he was. He was also the star of one of the great lost films of the 80s, Avenging Force. The fact that this film doesn't have a major DVD release is a crime.

Jan-Michael Vincent

It was hard to top the awesomeness of Airwolf on TV back in the day. Renegade pilot with a super-advanced battle copter? Suck it, Knight Rider. JMV also found his way into awesomely horrible classics like Defiance, Enemy Territory and, um...Demonstone.

I could write a book about the countless number of horror movies the Eighties pumped out, how new genres were created, how careers were launched, etc. It's been done to the point of exhaustion, so why bother? This is what you need to know: if Barbara Crampton or Linnea Quigley is in the movie, you're almost guaranteed to see them topless.

Show review: Down/The Melvins/Weedeater, Webster Theater - Hartford CT

2009-09-16T12:26:00.005-04:00

I don't have a job. There's currently about 8 dollars to my name. I have a bruised calf muscle and the blood is pooling in my foot like a zombie; standing for too long makes it hard to walk, and most likely won't help my recovery time. However, there are some things that supersede such shitty situations. This show, for one.

This show took care of some issues for me; namely, the fact that bad luck has prevented me from catching both The Melvins and Down live multiple times. It seemed fate had intervened again when the morning after I bought the ticket I took a spill at work and screwed up my leg pretty good (sorry for the confusing medical jargon). There was no way I was going to let some petty nuisance like being broke or a leg injury get in the way of sludge salvation.

This gig was supposed to include Evil Army as openers, but for whatever reason they weren't there. Bummer. I was definitely looking forward to checking them out live, as I've been enjoying the hell out of their self-titled debut. (They're also signed to Down frontman Philip Anselmo's label Housecore Records).

Weedeater is a southern sludge powerhouse. I don't know if it was just the sound or where I was standing, but the guitar and bass tones were just short of indistinguishable from each other. Somehow, that was a good thing. Dixie Dave Collins was stomping and kicking throughout the set, having a pretty damn good time from the looks of it. Their cover of Skynyrd's "Gimme Back My Bullets" was nothing short of fucking stellar. To be honest, I didn't think much of this band until recently. Their newest album, God Luck And Good Speed, started to convert me but this performance sealed the deal. I'm a fan.

What can one say that hasn't been said about The Melvins? Well, I have to say I haven't been too impressed with their recent output. Others have agreed with me but, upon hearing that I had yet to see them live, were unanimous in telling me "Dude, you have to see them on stage!". Reflecting on it now, that's an understatement. They came out to the theme from The A-Team, so they were already winners in my book. This band is larger than life, in both sound and presence. They had Jared and Coady from Big Business in tow, which meant two drummers. Not many bands can get away with that, which is why few even try. The Melvins not only get away with it, they fucking move to a tropical island and declare their own country with it.
I'm pretty sure Buzz Osborne was wearing a skirt, and Jared Warren is the biggest hippie I've ever seen, Seriously, the guy is about seven feet tall.

Then, it was time. Not to get all cliche and sentimental, but sometimes there are those certain bands that you just instantly connect with, music that means more than just what's coming out of the speakers. Every riff, every song, you just...get it. Down is that band for me. At first glance, it doesn't make much sense. I'm a born-and-bred Connecticut Yankee that has never smoked weed. How could I be so into a band from New Orleans whose lyrics, nine times out of ten, are about getting or being high? Well, it's quite simple: the power of the riff compels me.

Bassist Rex Brown is MIA due to surgery, and it kinda sucked not having him there, but the dude filling in (name slip my mind now) was a fellow NOLA bro and did an excellent job. The band opened with "Hail The Leaf", and proceeded to tear through their three-album catalog with fire and brimstone. Most of the set was comprised of songs from NOLA and II, which was to be expected. The newest album has some great songs, but wouldn't pack quite the punch in a live setting. After being screwed out of seeing Down so many times before, every song just hit me with a wave of euphoria. "Lifer", "Ghosts Along The Mississippi" and "Eyes Of The South" were particular stand-outs.

There's about eighty years of collective experience between all the members of this band, and they know how to put on a show. Say what you will about Philip H., but there's just something un-fuck-with-able about this guy when he takes the stage. At 41 he's still in fighting shape and commands the stage like few people in music today, never mind metal. Kirk and Pepper are the K.K. Downing and Glen Tipton of sludge metal; if you know who I'm talking about, then you understand. This became even more apparent at the beginning of the encore, when after a badass version of "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" (yes, Van Halen) Kirk began jamming "Grinder" (yes, Judas Priest) and Phil replaced "meat" with "weed". I am Jack's total lack of surprise.

Oh, the encore? "Temptation's Wings" into "Stone The Crow" into the most head-banging, horns-throwing, invisible-oranges-having song ever, "Bury Me In Smoke". I honestly could not ask for more from a show, a band, or anybody, really. I forgot about life for a few hours and walked in the light of the path.

Film review: Rob Zombie's Halloween II

2009-08-30T00:20:00.000-04:00

OK, let's get something straight here, right off the bat: I am a horror film supernerd. I watch, collect, read and write about them. I know who directed what and, sometimes, who was supposed to direct what and why they didn't. I guess this can be applied to film in general, but horror flicks hold a special place in my blackened heart.

That being said, most of my fellow scary movie junkies hate remakes, loathe them, and for the most part I agree. They tend to be generic, boring, predictable and, perhaps worst of all, PG-13. Now quite a few people have argued that even the original versions of these movies fall into those categories, which also holds some weight. Granted, those 70s and 80s midnight movies we grew up with tended to have low production values, shoddy acting and little in the way of plot. But the defining factor that made them so endearing to us, compared to today's slick Hollywood remakes, was heart. There were no focus groups, no Myspace pages, these were people with nothing but some hard-earned cash and a dream. They also tended to be fans themselves; find any old interview with John Carpenter or Wes Craven, these guys were big kids who loved scary movies.

Which brings us to the new Halloween II, written and directed by Rob Zombie. He's somewhat of a polarizing figure thus far into his career as a genre filmmaker; House Of 1000 Corpses and its companion film The Devil's Rejects invited plenty of criticism and critiques. It wasn't until Zombie decided to try his hand at re-envisioning John Carpenter's Halloween, arguably the best horror film of the last forty years, that genre fans really kicked into high gear with equal amounts of praise and derision.

Halloween II has little in common, aesthetically, with its predecessor. This is clearly an original vision and other than the film's title and characters, really has nothing to do with the Halloween franchise at all. I think that's a good thing, and it definitely works towards the film's favor. Zombie has created a darker, much more sinister world than previously seen in the of Haddonfield, IL universe. Whereas previous incarnations of Michael Meyers showed him to be somewhat detached and almost child-like in his pursuit of victims, the monster on display here takes his business extremely personally. There is genuine vitriol and hatred behind every thrust of the knife.

This film is tough to review without giving too much away (for those of you that care). A quick look at the credits or trailers, however, reveals that both Deborah Meyers and young Michael make appearances. Indeed, their roles in this film are open to multiple interpretations by the time the end credits roll. I could tell some people in the theater didn't get it; then again, they were the same kind of people that don't shut up during a movie, so take that with a grain of salt.

My one biggest complaint was the underdevelopment of certain characters. Malcolm McDowell was an excellent Dr. Loomis in the first film, but here his scenes were almost unnecessary and seemed tacked on as an afterthought. He is supposed to be the character we most sympathize with after Laurie Strode, yet here he comes across as an obnoxious prick. His redemption is in no way satisfying. To a lesser extent, Laurie's new friends had only a few scenes and were completely one-dimensional. I know, this is a slasher movie and people are just lined up for a slaughter, but I think it would have helped the plot development out a bit if these girls had some more going on.

All in all, this is a good film. Rob Zombie has a knack for dialogue, and definitely knows his way around a horror movie. I also think he should get away from established horror movies and strike out on his own. He has the talent and the potential to do great things. Unfortunately there are recent reports of Zombie in talks to do a remake of The Blob. Whether or not that comes to fruition, I think his best is yet to come.

GRIND YOUR FACE OFF

2009-08-01T19:45:00.001-04:00

People throw around the term "once in a lifetime" quite a bit. Sometimes it's accurate, but more often than not it applies to something completely meaningless or arbitrary, like a late-night TV infomercial or a car sale. This was not one of those times.

Hmm, put the three (arguably) best grindcore bands of all time on one stage on one night? Yes, please. Everybody wins. Granted, as cool as it looks outside, the Brooklyn Masonic Temple isn't the best venue for this kind of sound. But if you're at this show, you know all the words already, right? The only real complaint was the odd "get drink tickets at one counter, then walk over to the bar table and get drinks" system. And how the hell do you run out of beer at a show like this?? This isn't some straight-edge hardcore show at the American Legion. Still, I must give praise to the cute bartender girl, because she gave me mixed drinks for beer ticket value.

I was going to do a standard show review and talk about which songs got played and how great the show was (and it was). But that's been done to death, and there's something I noticed around the web regarding this show that I wanted to address. Namely, all the hate. Whether it was people whining about the ticket price ($25) or how the Repulsion guys are dicks or actually saying this show was put together by a bunch of hipsters(!!!), I was amazed at the amount of snarky bitchiness. Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth; I know we're in a recession and all, but claiming the admission price for this show was too high and the bands were selling out is the epitome of scenester bullshit. Hell, I've been more or less unemployed since November and I still managed to scrape together some cash to go. It was one of the coolest shows I've ever seen, no doubt. I'm amazed at how concerned people are at who else is listening to the music they listen to. For the record, and from what I could tell, this gig was relatively hipster-free, and even if it wasn't...who cares? Pig Destroyer blasting through Piss Angel and Loathsome destroys all that is false.

Decibel magazine and the people behind it continue to impress me, and I can only hope this is the beginning of more mind-grinding events. Keep it up, folks.

Just a thought...

2009-06-30T23:11:00.000-04:00

Wrote this back in January, decided I'd put it here. Enjoy.

Like everything else in our culture, music moves in cycles. What was once the height of popularity becomes passé, until the inevitable retro-kitsch revival comes along and breathes ironic life back into it. Heavy metal is not immune to these phases, but it does suffer from a bit of identity crisis. Here in America, the general populace thinks of metal in terms of its Eighties heyday; most think metal self-destructed with Guns ‘n Roses and was delivered a death blow by Nirvana and Pearl Jam. Watch any VH-1 special, and you’ll hear the lamentation of washed-up glam-rock imbeciles, crying over the decline of the good old days. Fuck that.

Below this façade of musical ignorance lies two groups; music people that know metal never went away (and don’t care), and die-hard metal fans. Fans of actual metal. People that know Venom and Celtic Frost and Possessed led to Slayer and Death and Mayhem, which led to Pantera and Sepultura and…well, you get my drift. But now, whispers of the end-times drift through even these inner metal circles. Some point to the rash of classic bands reuniting over the last five years (At The Gates, Carcass, Heaven & Hell, etc.) and see it as a cash grab before this decade’s metal “boom” subsides. Others observe the dozens of sub-sub-genres splintering under the heavy metal banner as some kind of musical apocalypse, akin to fundamentalists bemoaning the EU as the first sign of the end of the world. Still others cry foul (or in some cases “untrue”) at the popularity of so-called “hipster metal” bands: The Sword, Saviours, even Mastodon.

What’s confusing to me is that these people should know better. Actually, they should go one step further and shut the fuck up already. Haven’t we seen and heard this before? If heavy metal has one defining characteristic, it’s survival. The bands and fans have been dragged through the mud, accused of everything from sexual deviancy to first-degree murder. Unfortunately, some of those accusations have proven true, especially in Norway. But think about that; there is a metal genre that is best known to the world as a group of musicians who kill each other and burn down churches…and it’s still going, stronger than ever.

Are there changes on the horizon? Of course. The cyclical nature of music and culture still applies here. The real question is, will it be for better or for worse? 2008 produced a large amount of incredible albums and exciting new bands in extreme music. 2009 has an even sunnier outlook. Well, as sunny as heavy metal can be. The Debbie Downers that have sprung up recently would do well to check out the recent releases from Nachtmystium, Withered, Javelina, Wetnurse and Soilent Green (among many others), and see that not only is metal doing just fine, but some of its best bands are coming from our own soil. So get out your extra-black vintage Dissection long-sleeve and throw some horns; this shit is here to stay.

Film review: Adventureland

2009-04-03T16:18:00.000-04:00

I really enjoy going to the movies by myself. I know it's weird according to most people, but then again, I hate most people, so they can get bent.

I heard about Adventureland a few months back, and when I saw some of the talent involved I was definitely interested in seeing it. Greg Mottola, the director, was at the helm for Superbad, and the cast included some great SNL members (Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig) as well as Ryan Reynolds, who I just can't help but like. His acting chops might seem slightly pedestrian, but his comic timing is really impeccable. If you don't believe me, go see Just Friends again.

I won't retread the entire movie, but basically the main character James (played perfectly awkward by Jesse Eisenberg) gets his post-college trip to Europe shot down when his parents can't spare the money, and he's forced into a job at nearby amusement hellhole Adventureland. Like a lot of these movies, the supporting players are predictable: dorky guy, hot chick, know-it-all older guy, crazy owners, etc. What sets this film apart are the nuances and acting chops everyone brings to the table. This isn't the slapstick/pseudo-improv comedy that's become all the rage lately (though a punch to the crotch will always bring the LOL) but it doesn't need to be. Everyone knows who their characters are and really become them, which is what true acting talent is.

The film takes places in 1987, and it's obvious Mottola (who also wrote the screenplay based on his own experiences) has an affinity for that time; the soundtrack, wardrobe, it all comes together quite well. Not only is the film set in the 80s, it genuinely feels like an "80s movie"; John Cusack would be the lead for this twenty years ago, no question. Kristen Stewart as the love interest would have been far from my first choice; I don't see her becoming a good actress any time soon, if ever. But that played to the advantage of the story arc a little bit, because her character is pretty moody and emotionless for the majority of her screen time. Still, my seventeen-year-old self would have been in love with her because she listens to Husker Du and calls people on their bullshit. But I digress.

This has definitely moved towards the top of my Favorite Films of '09, which might be a bit premature, but as far as good comedies go, it's a winner. Go see it.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

2009-01-29T00:14:00.000-05:00

Oscars Miss Out On Making History

28 January 2009 5:30 PM, PST

Oscars officials have missed out on making history this year by refusing to rejig rules about co-directors landing nominations. Film critic and blogger Jan Lisa Huttner insists Danny Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire partner Loveleen Tandan, who is credited as a co-director, could have become the first woman of colour to land a Best Director nod - if Academy members had simply considered her.

She explains, "In 80 years, only three women have ever been nominated for a Best Director Oscar - Lina Wertmueller, Jane Campion and Sofia Coppola - and only two men of colour - John Singleton and Ang Lee, who won for Brokeback Mountain.

"If Loveleen Tandan is co-nominated for her work on Slumdog Millionaire, then she will be the first woman of colour ever nominated for a Best Director Oscar, and if she wins, she will be the first woman ever accorded this great honour. In my review of Slumdog Millionaire, I call it 'the first great film of the new flat world,' so isn't this the right Cinderella ending for this wonderful film?"

First of all, enough about this overrated, annoyingly pretentious film. I know it's got "Oscar fodder" written all over it, but damn...stop it already.

Secondly, you PC Hollywood douche-nozzles need to take it down a notch. OK, I'll buy your reasoning; if there are co-directors of a film, sure, let them both be nominated. The second you whip out your race and gender cards, the argument is over. This is a dead issue. If there are so few "people of color" or women winning these awards, maybe it's because...oh, I don't know...they don't do the things that win awards. Is it that hard to believe that there's no conspiracy to keep women and minorities down in the film industry? The same kind of mental midgets go to great lengths to point out how few black coaches there are in college football and the NFL, like it's some kind of epidemic. It's not brain surgery, people. Occam's Razor, maybe.

R.I.P. John Updike

2009-01-27T15:51:00.000-05:00

One of America's greatest writers, and one who tends to be overlooked quite a bit. His Rabbit novels, collectively, were some of the best literary works about suburban American life and struggles for over three decades. He had more popular titles, like The Witches Of Eastwick and Couples, as well as his short fiction. The Rabbit Angstrom novels, however, were a reflection of the times that most Americans lived through and experienced.

You can find lots of information about him here.

His frank and upfront prose about living in America has inspired many writers since, and the influence of the Rabbit novels can be seen in films like American Beauty and Revolutionary Road.

Here's a long interview with Updike from The Charlie Rose show in 2000.

Way to suck, Oscars.

2009-01-25T20:22:00.000-05:00

So, the Academy Of Motion Pictures Arts And Sciences has bestowed its nominees for this year's Oscars. I shouldn't care, but it's hard to get past this shitty crop. Is this really a reflection of the best cinema that could be offered this year? Lots of people are bitching about The Dark Knight not being nominated, but I don't think it should be. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the hell out of it, but I know enough about movies to separate what I love from what deserves to be recognized as great cinema.

That being said, looking at the batch of mediocre films that did get picked, The Dark Knight is better than all of them.

Come on!

My anger will dissipate soon enough. The Oscars almost always suck and go to the wrong people. I know this. Why did it take Scorcese 35 years to get one? That I will never know.

To distract myself from this shit show, I've been checking out trailers for films that will not suck in 2009. Like, I dunno...BIO-SLIME???

That actually looks better than I thought it would.

Does this really surprise anyone?

2009-01-19T22:27:00.000-05:00

Studio executives are likely to consider reviving the practice of opening so-called urban films on Wednesdays instead of Fridays following at least two violent incidents connected with the screening of Notorious over the weekend. (The movie placed fourth on the box-office list of top earners with $21.5 million.) One man was gunned down during an argument over the movie at a theater in Greensboro, NC. Actor Jamal Woolard, who plays the Notorious B.I.G. in the film, was attending the screening at the time of the shooting, according to police. The theater later announced that it had indefinitely suspended all future showings of Notorious. And at an after-the-movie party in New York City, four men were stabbed at the Djumbala nightclub in Brooklyn.

Huh, imagine that. Will people ever connect the dots?

I'm already saying "back in my day"...and I love it.

2009-01-19T01:28:00.000-05:00

Every generation says it, and means it. I was saying it before I even had a generation. Things were better back in the day. Ironically, it's new technology that helps me remember and reminisce.

For instance, kids watching Saturday morning shows now will never know the genius that was Eerie, Indiana. What other children's programming could combine social commentary on suburban alienation and domestic struggle with...the Pitbull Surfers?

What a great show. Eat shit, Hannah Montana.

I should...

2009-01-14T17:52:00.000-05:00

update this thing more often. There's so much I want to tell you fuckers...not really. But there is this:

Black metal humor gets old quick. This is probably already not funny. What really isn't funny is having no job and dwindling funds, as is my situation now. No one is hiring in this market. I think the time has come for me to invest in some lottery tickets.

Home stretch.

2008-10-18T20:01:00.001-04:00

We're almost done with this tour. I'm glad, and I'm kinda not. I won't miss shit going wrong with the RV, like the battery dying in the middle of nowhere this morning. It will always be fun to travel and party in a different city every night, though.

I'm 26 tomorrow. I haven't been a "birthday" person in a long time, so other than getting some free drinks out of everyone, it's not that big a deal.

The best part about tomorrow is being in Asheville. We were there in April, and despite all the hippies it's cool. The venue has amazing food, and the show's promoter runs a great record shop in town. We have a day off the next day too, so there's some nice recovery/downtime before the final run of shows.

Looking forward to sleeping for 2 days straight and watching all the shows I DVR'd.

Happy Halloween.

Muskogee: way too exciting.

2008-10-12T20:16:00.000-04:00

We're staying in a Motel 6 down the street from here. Pray for the sanctity of our cornholes.

It's been a fun week.

2008-10-06T01:41:00.000-04:00

It's a long story. Here are some highlights:

- L.A., like I've said before, is fun to visit...but I would never, ever live here. People are on an other planet.

- Got to hang out with the dudes in Spindrift for a few days, which was cool. Check those dudes out.

- Went to get tires in the Valley, where our RV promptly stopped going into gear. This was fixed later, but wait, it's gets better.

- APTBS played some great shows in LA.

- Somewhere in the middle of the Arizona desert our engine caught fire, we waited 3 hours for a $550 tow to Phoenix, and the show in Tucson got canceled.

Rock and roll.

We're now holed up in a hotel room in Glendale, the Grand Ol' Traveling Party Palace a few miles away, awaiting repair. I think it's the transmission. But at this point...I'm ready to blow the bitch up.

Stay tuned! I'm sure it gets better. More whiskey, anyone?

MONTANA: F'IN BIG.

2008-09-27T03:44:00.000-04:00

DO NOT drive across this state the long way all at once. It is way too big and way too unnerving. And it all looks like that. All 800-whatever miles of it.

The only thing worse than driving across Montana during the day was crossing Idaho at night. Holy shit, it was like driving a turd through the septic system. Pitch black, up, down, curve this way, curve that way...it also didn't help matters that I was wired on ginseng pills and ludicrously-named energy drinks. (Amp? NoS? COCAINE!? Marketing genius.)

But we made it. Rather, I made it and the band managed to take some very good naps. Sleep is a precious commodity on these tours; I don't get much of it.

We're in Seattle right now, and the turnout for the show was pretty minimal. It seems the music scene in this depressing-ass, whiny-liberal town isn't what it used to be. Portland, Oregon is tomorrow, and while it's still as "blue" as it is here, at least it's a nicer town and a better scene. California is coming up very soon too, which will be lots of fun. I don't recommend staying there for more than a few days, though. It'll rub off on you, and pretty soon you'll think that shitty movie you were in gives your political opinions more importance than other people. You'll also decide Botox is a great idea and vote for Obama. Don't do it.

Bettter late than never

2008-09-21T20:20:00.000-04:00

Yes, I'm late to the party. We've been on the road a week and I've had very little in the way of downtime. I'm driving, doing merchandise AND tour managing on this tour, so it's a lot of stress for little reward.

Right now we're in Chicago at The Empty Bottle, which is a welcome change from the bottomless pit of despair that is Detroit. We were there yesterday, and holy shit is it the most depressing place I've ever been. There are several brand-new casinos, but the streets downtown on a sunny Saturday afternoon were empty. I mean empty; no people, no cars, nada. Actually, scratch that. I did see a bunch of crackheads and hobos camped out on a burn-out patch of grass, having some kind of camp-out. That wasn't disheartening or anything.

We spent a few days in Canada, with shows in Montreal and Toronto. APTBS really pulls the crowd up in the Great White North, people come out in droves to see them live and buy up all their swag. In between those shows the guys recorded 2 new songs at a studio in rural Ontario with Graham from Holy Fuck, which came out pretty great. They've been playing them live at the last few shows and the crowd response has been positive. Then again. at least half of the band's set is songs that haven't been officially recorded yet, so it's a good fit.

Tomorrow is a long drive to Minneapolis to do a radio session and a show that night, then comes the long haul: Minneapolis to Vancouver in two and a half days. Yeah, think you've driven some long hours? Try 26 in 48. Good times.

Still don't have a functional camera, otherwise I'd be taking pictures of dumb shit like last time.

One more thing: check out the band that's opening most of the APTBS shows, the Sian Alice Group. They're...nice.

See you on the road, suckas.

OVERCAST: 8/30/08, Bobby Allen's, Waterbury CT

2008-08-31T20:54:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of different ways we wish our pasts had played out. Sometimes, we will ourselves to think back on events, people or other things with a certain reverence, despite the shortcomings of said things. Music falls into this category quite a bit. Some of us like to remember certain songs, or bands, in a rosy light because of what they meant to us at the time.

Seeing as how most of my peers grew up in the Eighties and Nineties, this is mostly bullshit. If I'm at a party with people other than my metal friends, and someone puts their mix of "back in the day" songs on the stereo, all of a sudden I'm not in a party mood. I'm not going to hear Life Of Agony, Pantera or The Jesus & Mary Chain, am I? No, I'll be subjected to god-awful shit like the Barenaked Ladies. Or Eminem, or that one Notorious B.I.G. song that never goes away and everyone sings along to and laughs when they get to say "nigga".

OK, I have a point. It's that sometimes, that thing from our past that we wish was really good actually is. I'm talking about Overcast, the seminal Massacusetts band that pioneered, and dare I say perfected, the 'metalcore' genre. If you grew up in New England during the 90s and liked heavy music, you liked Overcast. They played a million shows with everyone from Hatebreed to 25 Ta Life, at every VFW or American Legion hall within a 100-mile radius of central Mass. The band went their separate ways in 1998, with the members going on to even bigger success in bands like Shadows Fall, Killswitch Engage and Seemless.

The band reunited for a few shows last year, and went back into the studio to re-record some of their old material and come up with some new tracks. The fruit of those efforts can be found in the newly released Reborn To Kill Again, and although I love the original albums I gotta say these songs sound a hundred times better now. Take note, one-man basement black metal bands; production value doesn't hurt.

Overcast lined up a string of dates for this month, and the last one happened to be in the (relative) neighborhood, a quick half-hour away in Waterbury CT at Bobby Allen's. This is a venue I previously didn't even know existed, but it's definitely the perfect setting for an underground metal show. Cheap booze, low ceilings and an all-around sketchy vibe.
There were four opening bands, and it broke down into one good, one OK and two lame. I try not to dwell on bands that don't impress me, but I will give some internet props to Thy Will Be Done (the good band). I saw these guys open for Dying Fetus a few months back, and was definitely digging it. They don't break the mold, but they do slam the shit out of it.

Overcast's set was near perfect, the only complaint being the usual: "ONE MORE SONG!!" They ripped through classics like Apocalypse Upon Us, Grifter and the awesome instrumental track Styrofoam Death Machine. The new songs are 100% bona fide, and sounded like they could have been recorded during the Fight Ambition To Kill sessions. There was no danger of anybody being rusty; every band member's current outfit are notorious touring fiends, so no worries there. The crowd was a collection of most every CT hardcore kid from over the last 15 years, which means many of them aren't kids any more. I did see some gray hair in the pit, which is always amusing, but it proves that this music meant something to many of us, and still does.

End of the line...temporarily.

2008-08-25T17:30:00.000-04:00

Today's the last day of the Nine Inch Nails tour. It's been real, it's been fun...but it hasn't been real fun. A good experience, I'll be prepared if it ever happens again, but I'm hoping it doesn't for a long time.

Last night we did an off-night show in Covington, Kentucky. DO NOT GO TO THIS PLACE. It is scary, and I think wolves prowl the streets after dusk. There was an awesome fast-food fried chicken joint next door to the venue though, so not all was lost.

The drive home from Toledo is about 10 hours, so after the drive, unloading in Brooklyn, and returning to Connecticut, I should thoroughly exhausted. We have a scant 2 weeks off before the big national headlining tour begins. No rest for the wicked, though; I get to spend those weeks doing the accounting for this tour, and budgeting the next one. After all these years, I'm sure some people are shaking their heads in bewilderment, thinking about me doing accounting-type activities.

So as I sit in this makeshift dressing room in Toledo, writing online with stolen wireless internet, I think back on the last 2 weeks and realize: what the hell am I doing here?

Rowella out.

Vacation.

2008-08-22T23:37:00.000-04:00

So I've had a few days off. Bass player Jono is getting married today, so the rest of the band and the manager returned to New York for the wedding. It's just been me and the sound guy for the last two days.

After dropping the other guys off at the St. Louis airport Thursday morning, I parked at a rest stop. I get woken up by some yahoo outside the RV, rambling something about this driver who has some crazy rig that I gotta see, or something like that. It's hard to understand someone with five teeth.

So I'm still half-asleep, and I'm following this guy across the parking lot thinking he's gonna show me some big-ass trailer or something. I round the corner, see a couple guys hunched over a piece of cardboard, and I'm pissed. This asshole woke me up to try and sucker me into a 3-card monte hustle. Oh, it was classic. One guy pretending to not know them, playing and winning. One other guy who was "scamming" the guy with the cards. Times like this, I wish I had a badge. I "respectfully declined" and went back to the RV.

We stopped last night in some lakeside town in Michigan, which looked like every other town in the middle of the country. Wal-Mart, Applebee's, McDonald's, Home Depot, a bunch of others, all in a giant complex down some access road off the highway. Thankfully, there was a movie theater. The sound guy hadn't seen The Dark Knight yet, which I thought was impossible, so he went and saw that. I saw Tropic Thunder, and it was great. Funnier than I thought it was going to be, and I thought it was gonna be pretty damn funny. Downey Jr. stole the movie, far and away. I'm glad he's making a comeback, always liked him as an actor.

We're staying in a hotel tonight, a few exits from the venue for the next show in Auburn Hills. It's nice to have a room that doesn't sit on wheels once in a while.

I'm almost home.

This shit is Groudhog Day.

2008-08-20T17:31:00.000-04:00

I know we're in St. Louis, but I have no idea what the weather is, or if it's day or night. Backstage at all these arenas is like being in the bunker from Day Of The Dead.

I'm still adjusting to driving the RV with a trailer on the back. That shit is not easy. When you want the trailer to go left, you have to turn right, and vice versa. Those of you who know me know how much patience I have with these kinds of things, so it's a lot of cursing on my part. But I'm getting the hang of it.

The band and the manager are flying back to New York tomorrow morning for the bass player's wedding, which means the sound guy and I are on our own for the next two days. The trip to Detroit only takes 9 hours, so we'll have some time to kill. I'd like to find a theater playing Hell Ride somewhere.

We are the ones to make a brighter day, so let's start giving.

2008-08-18T19:50:00.000-04:00

Dallas, kiss my ass. This room has 4 chairs and a couch for, I don't know, 10 people. I know, we're the support band from New York and you gobbled weiners in the divisional playoffs, but seriously: where am I supposed to sit??

Last night was in Austin, and it was great to be back in a regular club environment where we could sell our own merchandise. It was rainy, but plenty of people showed. Plus, we saw a shitload of bats.

We also got a bit of Southern hospitality from the dudes in The Black Angels. We cranked 13th Floor Elevators until the wee hours of the morning, and had some interesting conversations. Thanks for letting us crash at your pad, guys.

The drive from Austin to Dallas is normally a quick 3-hour jaunt. But apparently Texans don't know what rain is, or how to drive in it. So 3 hours became 4.5, due to no less than three accidents on the highway.

Got to talk to the dude today; he's pretty nice. I was surprised he took the time to talk to a lowly road crew guy, but I guess he figured out I do the equivalent of 15 of the guys he has. So maybe he felt bad. We actually like some of the same bands, notably Kylesa. I thought that was pretty cool.

I'm debating whether I like Pilot or Love's more. I think Pilot is winning.

Now I REALLY wish my camera worked.

2008-08-16T15:36:00.000-04:00

I'm writing while sitting in the locker room of the Houston Rockets. These arena tours are INSANE. Catering, VIP passes, the whole nine yards. It doesn't come without a price, though. Trying to stay on top of things with six thousand people running around isn't easy. Last night's show in Oklahoma City was an eye-opening experience. Chasing after stage crew, keeping track of merchandise (which we can't sell ourselves), driving a 34-foot RV with a trailer on it into precarious parking spots...stress can be high.

There have been people on line for tonight's show since 1PM. Doors are at 7. I didn't think people liked Nine Inch Nails that much anymore; I've been mistaken. It is a really cool show, though. I'll give Trent that.

The exciting Midwest.

2008-08-14T23:41:00.000-04:00

BALLS.

Driving through Ohio, Indiana, Illinois and Missouri sucks. Really, really sucks. Aside from the occasional Jack In The Box or Jesse James hideout, all there is are fields and the occasional stop at the totally awesome Flying J. Seriously, where else can you buy a TV, a tank of gas and a sweet flannel shirt with the sleeves pre-ripped?

The first show of the tour was in Columbus, Ohio last night at Skully's Diner. The venue was cool, the crowd was a bit...sparse. Sweet record shop next door, though. Magnolia Thunderpussy Records. Hmm, wonder where they got the idea for that name...

Right now we're in a skeevy Super 8 somewhere off I-44 in Missouri. Tomorrow night is the first NIN show, in Oklahoma City. Hopefully everything will go smoothly. It better, consisering Nine Inch Nails has 52 people on their touring staff. 52! We have a sound guy, the manager and me. If anything, I'll be raiding Trent's catering table and chasing goth groupies around backstage.

Turn the page...

2008-08-11T21:44:00.000-04:00

I hit the road again tomorrow. APTBS will be opening a slew of dates for Nine Inch Nails, as well as a few off-date shows. We'll be in the Midwest mostly, so as long as we don't get wiped off the face of the earth we'll be OK.

My camera isn't working at the moment, but hopefully I'll have it fixed before anything worth capturing happens. The NIN shows should be pretty incredible to witness. Check this out.

Tour dates:

Wednesday 8/13/08 at Skully’s Music Diner in Columbus, OH
Friday 8/15/08 at Ford Center, Oklahoma City, OK with Nine Inch Nails
Saturday 8/16/08 at Toyota Center, Houston, TX with Nine Inch Nails
Sunday 8/17/08 at Emo’s, Austin, TX with Ume & The Boxing Lesson
Monday 8/18/08 at American Airlines Arena, Dallas, TX with Nine Inch Nails
Tuesday 8/19/08 at Opolis in Norman, OK with El Paso Hot Button
Wednesday 8/20/08 at Scottrade Center, St. Louis, MO with Nine Inch Nails
Saturday 8/23/08 at the Palace of Auburn Hills, Auburn Hills, MI with Nine Inch Nails
Sunday 8/24/08 at the Mad Hatter in Covington, KY (Cincinnati)
Monday 8/25/08 at Seagate Convention Center, Toledo, OH with Nine Inch Nails

Dudefest concluded

2008-06-23T01:17:00.000-04:00

Yeah, it was that kinda weekend. That's a chick's hair, by the way.

Sunday rolled around, and it despite the intense music on tap there was a more laid-back vibe to the day. The crowd was small, but there was still a lot of spirit. I overslept and arrived just in time to catch the first band I wanted to see, Demiricous. I've been a fan of theirs since first hearing them a few years back. Their new material has taken their Slayer worship sound, mixed in a healthy dose of Motorhead, Celtic Frost and mid-era Entombed, and cranked it to 11. I'm always excited to see these guys.

A perfect follow-up to Demiricous was Ohio blackened thrashers Skeletonwitch. I first saw these guys in '06 as a 4-piece, but they have evolved into a whole new metal beast. Their new(ish) singer totally completes their live show, and it is metal defined. Their sound has definitely moved further towards the "thrash" part of black/thrash, and it's a vast improvement. Tunes about evil, witchcraft and, to quote tonight's set, "Betraaaayyerrrr!!!". They had the best set of the night, hands down. They're touring nonstop these days, so catch them when you can.

Graf Orlock were next on the agenda. This was the mosh/stage-dive high point for Sunday. By this point the dudecore/moshdown/funny-grind thing was getting a bit tired, but these guys were refreshing. The samples alone sold me; Terminator, Congo, some other random shit I couldn't place but enjoyed nonetheless.

Backstabbers Inc. had an interesting set. I had neither heard nor heard of the band, and at this point in the weekend I was ready to ignore any band I didn't know. But these guys kept me watching. They played an interesting mish-mash of Isis, Mouth Of The Architect and random mid-tempo thrash bits. The last song dragged way too long, but overall I dug it.

Washington metal grinders Iron Lung were another great highlight of the day. This two-piece play a perfect blend of thrashing intensity and crushing slow grooves. The set was on the shorter side, but for a band like this small doses works best. This band deserves much more recognition than they get, that's for sure.

Kungfu Rick was pretty decent Chicago hardcore, they got the crowd moving again. Again, at this point I was running on empty and I had already seen plenty of bands like this over the last 72 hours for it to make much of an impact on me.

So it was onto Kylesa's second set of the weekend, and the last set of the festival. I have to say it was stronger than the one they did on Friday night, whether it was the songs or the fact it was a culmination of 3 days of awesome, I couldn't say. They encored with a brand new song, and if it's any indication of what to expect with their next release than it's a very good sign.

And so here I sit, in my boxers, in a seedy Knights Inn motel room, drinking the rest of my Bailey's and watching that shitty Miami Vice movie, reflecting on Dudefest '08. I met some great people, saw some awesome bands, a had a raging good time. Hopefully I'll be able to do it all over again next year.

Who's coming with me!?

Dudefest, Day 1 and 2

2008-06-21T13:15:00.000-04:00

Intense.

So I left off at the station in Chicago. I had the pleasure of taking a 4-hour Greyhound ride to Indianapolis. Where a drunk belligerent black guy tried to steal my camera. He took a picture of me sleeping:

And I almost kicked his ass. Needless to say, fuck public transportation, I'm driving everywhere from now on.

I arrived in downtown Indy around 9, where I met up with my friend Val, i.e. shy little wine on the Decibel board. We had dinner, got drunk, and had a ball. From there I checked into my suitably skeevy roadside motel by the highway. Something was going down next door, for sure:

FRIDAY

After an uneasy rest, I was ready for the first day of Dudefest. I got there right as the doors opened, the familiar sight of black t-shirts, bad haircuts and unwashed bodies greeting me. I set myself by the Decibel merch table, hanging out with Val and Mark, customer service guru and all-around stand-up dude at the magazine.

The first two bands, You Will Die and The Wayward, were somewhat blah, but that might have had to do with the fact I was eagerly anticipating the mighty Plague Bringer! Holy shit, did these guys live up to expectations. Bands that use drum machines these days tend to be total hit or total miss. Plague Bringer are sledgehammers. It was a great start to the weekend.

Next up on my agenda was Nachtmystium. People have been talking shit about this band's new direction, and I say shut the hell up. The new material was blazing live, and I like these guys for some of the same reasons I like Satyricon and Lifelover; it's black metal that doesn't sound tired and played out. Blake Judd is the man.

Coliseum immediately followed, and they had the best set of the night, period. Anyone who has seen their shows know that they are a formidable force in the live setting. Pure vitriol and energy. A great blend of hardcore, crust-punk and metal that many bands attempt but few get right.

The Red Chord had to drop out of the fest due to a faulty tour van, which was upsetting because they are a fun live band. But word came that Kylesa, who is headlining Sunday night, would be filling their slot. Everyone agreed this was an optimal replacement. This is a band I have just started listening to within the last year or so, and they have grown on me quite a bit. These days they've incorporated two drummers into their live show, which to be honest doesn't sound so much different 80% of the time...but it looks pretty fuckin' cool. It also helps that they bring their brand of southern swamp sludge raging out of the gate. Following Coliseum is no easy task, but they pulled it off. Kylesa is hitting their stride right about now; don't be surprised if their next album is a top 10 regular on a lot of lists. Also, Laura Pleasants has moved up to #4 on my list. You know what I mean.

Torche headlined the night, but I bounced before their set so I could make the mile-long trek to Zanies Too (Dudefest had an after-show here Friday and Saturday night) in time to see The Gates Of Slumber. I like Torche well enough, but I didn't want to miss out on some heavy, lumbering, worship-at-the-Trouble-altar DOOOOOMMM. And that's exactly what The G of S brought. Any band that sounds like Wino might have a guest spot somewhere on the album is my kind of band.

Next up was Fight Amp, who have been generating quite a bit of buzz lately. I was wary about them, for the simple fact that most bands don't live up the hype. Especially when these guys were getting all kids of comparisons to the glory days of AmRep. The verdict is in: Fight Amp are the real deal. Grimy, loud as all hell, the guys who split from Helmet should be listening to this and get their heads out of their asses. I bought the new album and it rages.

I had heard of The_Network before, but for whatever reason I thought they sucked. I gotta say, it's a shitty band name. But my opinion was changed after the first song of their set. I heard from other people that at last year's Dudefest one of the guys in the band had been kicked out of the bar BEFORE they played. So they had the off-kilter crazy thing down, which is a good start. But the tunes were killer, and they were a close second to Coliseum for best set of the day/night.

By this point I was dead tired; 26 hours of straight traveling and an entire day and night of extreme metal will do that. I listened to Minsk from outside while I waited for a ridiculously overpriced cab.

SATURDAY

Oh yeah, it's delicious.

Saturday started off a few hours earlier, and the crowd had definitely grown. The first band I saw was Weekend Nachos, and HOLY SHIT, they might have been the best band of the day! They had an incredible amount of energy, and just didn't give a flying fuck about anybody. Their drummer stage dived at one point, so the singer got behind the kit and started jamming, and the drummer got back and started singing. It was brilliant.

Shitstorm and Get Rad played next, but I was in and out during their sets. The Emerson Theater is all ages, so anyone who wanted a drink had to go around the corner to J Clyde's Bar. The next band I wanted to see was The Dream Is Dead, some great local hardcore political punk. I couldn't be further away from their political leanings, but the songs are great and their set was intense.

The first can't miss band of the day for me was Gaza. Everyone was talking them up. I had heard a few songs before but weren't very familiar with them. They blew the stage up. I was totally bowled over by their live show, I could have watched them all day. I bought a CD and shirt off of their singer afterwards, and he through in a Bird Eater CD for free. Can't beat that.

I skipped out on Lords but came back for the one-two naked guy punch that is Phoenix Bodies and Hewhocorrupts. I gotta say, the music was fun and perfect for moshing and stage-diving, but I can't say it was very memorable. Guys in both bands got naked on stage, hence the tendency to call this thing Dudefest. I looked away most of the time. When there wasn't schlongs hanging around, they had good sets.

Then came the bittersweet moment of the weekend. The ultimate grindcore band, Insect Warfare, was playing their last show. I will be forever grateful to have seen this band live. I don't know the details of the band splitting up, but it is a damn dirty shame. I can't think of a better grind band. Period. Some video footage is down below on the right. The crowd showed their appreciation with full force, that's for sure.

The highlight of my night, even more than Insect Warfare, even more than male nudity everywhere, was a headlining set from Pig Destroyer. I have become a huge fan of theirs over the last few years, and this show sealed the deal for me. I truly believe they are one of, if not the best, extreme metal band on the planet.

There were some unfortunate sound problems, so Blake Harrison couldn't fulfill his duties as noise/sample/electronics guy, but the set still raged relentlessly. In front of a giant poster of Rick Astley with a Hitler mustache, no less:

I was totally enraptured. J.R. Hayes was just as intense and menacing, if not more so, front and center bellowing the words to Loathsome and Trojan Whore like a demon straight outta hell. Someone, somehow got a giant stuffed dinosaur into the crowd and it surfed it during the entire set, which prompted J.R. to declare "I fucking hate dinosaurs". (Footage down on the left.) Pig Destroyer playing live is a very rare occurrence, so once again I became one of a relative lucky few to witness greatness.

The after-show at Zanie's was a lot of fun. Howl played first, and why they aren't signed yet I don't know. Great sludge-metal from Providence. New England represent! Next up was Suicide Note and Sweet Cobra back to back, as they share a member or two. Suicide Note was abrasive off-time noise-ish metal, they were decent. Sweet Cobra was the shit, they have an awesome hardcore punk groove, and though the crowd had been up and getting blasted by metal for almost 12 hours straight, everyone was still into it.

Mouth Of The Architect finished out the night, and I can't say it was a great idea. Now don't get me wrong - this band is incredible - but their brand of slow, crushing sludge metalgaze kind of zoned everyone out. It's too bad, people were heading out the door while they played but those who stuck around heard a great set from these guys.

All in all, one of the most enjoyable days I've had in a long, long time. Got to hang out with some great people, met some of the guys from Pig Destroyer and Plague Bringer, cheap beer...can't beat that. These kind of festivals are great because there are almost as many band members around as fans. Everyone mingles together, there is no disparity between musicians and those who came to see them. The camaraderie is one of the best parts of the whole thing.

Coming up: Sunday and the conclusion of the Festival of Dudes.

Hurry up and wait!

2008-06-19T13:14:00.000-04:00

Screw the train.

I'm not a complainer, but SCREW AMTRAK. I just spent 20 hours on a train from New York to Chicago. This goddamn thing broke down THREE TIMES! THREE!! I had a window seat, which wasn't too bad, but I was also stuck next to a creepy German guy. This dude never spoke one word to me, but I know for sure he spoke English because he ordered beer at the snack car. All he did the whole time was read The Firm in German and snicker to himself. What the fudge!?

So now I sit in a random bar in Union Station Chicago, awaiting my 4-hour bus ride to Indy. Have a look:

I love being creepy in the corner.

That's all for now, kiddies. The next time you hear from me should be late, drunk, in a dingy motel room in East Indy. Let the games begin!

It's time to get...Dude-tastic.

2008-06-16T15:31:00.000-04:00

I ignore this thing way too often.

But what better event to revive your favorite random traveling music blog than for...

DUDEFEST 2008!!

I know what you're thinking. You're making that look that I see every time I tell people where I'm going. Here's a little FAQ:

Q: What the hell is Dudefest?
A: It's a 3-day music festival taking place at the Emerson Theater in Indianapolis, IN, from June 20-22.

Q: Who's playing?
A: If the bands listed in that link I provided above don't ring any bells, I'll just say it's a collection of some of the best underground metal, hardcore, and grindcore bands from around the country.

Q: Are girls allowed at Dudefest? (Yes, people have actually asked me this.)
A: No.

Just kidding.

My journey to the pearl of the Midwest starts this Wednesday at 4PM, where I hop a train at Penn Station and enjoy a lovely 17 hour train ride...to Chicago. From there's it's a pleasant 6 hour layover until my 4 hour bus ride to Indianapolis, where my lovely accommodations await. Huzzah.

There will be videos, there will be pictures, and there will be dudes. Stay tuned.

Roanoke...you bore me.

2008-04-16T10:39:00.000-04:00

Apparently we are down the street from the largest mall in southwestern Virgina. In bigger news, I don't care.

We're not too far from Virginia Tech, and today is the one-year anniversary of the massacre there. There's definitely a somber mood around here, so we'll be checking out of this Best Western in a minute and moving on to the last show of this mini-tour, which is at Messiah College in Grantham, PA.

There's also some potential HUGE CRAZY news coming up regarding the band...but you'll have to wait and see.

Don't call it a comeback!

2008-04-13T17:58:00.000-04:00

It is a comeback, I guess...either way, I am back on the road with A Place To Bury Strangers. We're currently in Asheville, North Carolina. What's here? Some bars, some stores, and A WHOLE LOT OF SMELLY HIPPIES. Jesus H. Christ, this place is teeming with them. Well, look at the restaurants here, what would you expect?

But it's all good, no hippie beatdowns today...yet. The show is at The Grey Eagle, a pretty cool spot, and there's a Cajun restaurant here that serves gator so my day is made. Tomorrow we head to Athens, Georgia, the town that Stipe built.

Damn, I hate hippies.

On the Pacific Rim.

2008-03-03T21:08:00.000-05:00

So I've spent the last 5 days in California. I don't have a solid grip on what I think of it yet. It's definitely a nice change of pace, weather-wise. The views are amazing. I got a really cool tour of L.A. from APTBS's old bassist Tim. Saw Merv Griffin's house, and yeah, it's as big as you think it might be. No camera this time, so pictures will have to wait till the next tour.

I'm in San Diego now, and the sunset is crazy. The women here are something else, too. Back home, you know exactly what you're getting into, because within 5 minutes they'll tell you exactly what they want, what's wrong with you and everything you've ever done. Here, it's a little more mystery. A little more spacey too, but it's interesting.

Overall, California is a good time. Next time I'll have some more time here in SoCal, but so far it's been good. But I know I could never live here.

Next stop: Tucson, Arizona.

It's my jack in a box!

2008-03-03T20:46:00.000-05:00

Who does this? We do.

Califor-ny-aye.

2008-02-29T17:54:00.000-05:00

We're in the sunshine state, at last. We drove down yesterday morning/afternoon, and it was quite enjoyable. Northern California is like nowhere I've ever been. The vegetation, the landscape, it's like another planet. We stopped in the town of Mount Shasta, next to the mountain of the same name (pictured above). It's crazy seeing snow-topped hills when the temperature around you is a pleasant 65. Oh, did I mention that? Yeah, I'm in San Francisco and it's about 70 degrees out. Sorry to rub it in. Actually, no I'm not.

Right now APTBS is doing a session at Daytrotter studios, and are performing as part of the Noise Pop Festival tonight here in SF.

I've never seen the Pacific before, and I gotta say it's pretty cool. We've gone over 4,000 miles at this point, coast to coast. I don't know what to make of this place yet - everyone has a different opinion on California, and I always figured I wouldn't like it - but we'll see how it is after the San Diego show.

Coming down the mountain.

2008-02-29T17:48:00.000-05:00

Descending from the highlands at the California/Oregon border looked something like this. The drive was pretty incredible, not Rockies incredible, but close.

You can still rock in America.

2008-02-26T20:46:00.001-05:00

It's good to be home. I learned a few things in Canada:

1. The girls there are like American girls, except for the fact that they're unassuming and nice.
2. It's 40 dollars for a 24-pack of Budweiser. It's an import there.
3. Their currency SUCKS. Why they haven't come up with a 1 dollar bill yet, I do not know. Screw that change!
4. There's an A&W in every town.
5. I will never complain about the weather again.

Going there also reaffirmed my love for the USA. The first thing I did after we crossed the border (after playing The Star-Spangled Banner) was order a giant chicken sandwich and potato salad. No gravy on that!

We're in Seattle at the moment, as you can ascertain from the pictures above. How ironic, then, that today is the day there isn't an open Starbucks in the country. It was almost 60 degrees today, a far cry from the frozen blasts we encountered in Wisconsin and the Dakotas. I probably shouldn't have been reading this book while we drove through frozen wastelands, but it was good for a scare. And it's an awesome read anyway.

I've never been this far west; I'm looking forward to seeing the Pacific for the first time. The desert too. And maybe, just maybe, some Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. We'll see.

Calgary & the Canadian Rockies in pictures and video. Words can't describe.

2008-02-25T00:21:00.001-05:00

Edmonton girls love me.

2008-02-25T00:16:00.000-05:00

What can I say? It must be the whiskers.

Canadia, you're crazy.

2008-02-21T20:52:00.000-05:00

Road trips are fun. Tours are even more fun. Touring from Minneapolis to Winnipeg in late February? Not. Fun.

Let's tell the tale of the last 4 days in pictures, shall we? The band did an in-studio at a college radio station in Minneapolis, which was cool. Apparently people up there love salty nuts.
The next stop was Fargo. Yeah, that's right. Fargo, North Dakota. Where ice forms on the INSIDE of your window. The clip above was from towards the end of the set. The sound is bad, but you can get an idea of what A Place To Bury Strangers do live. I also discovered other things. Like attractive girls exist that far out in the middle of nowhere. Also, they love SPAM. And people actually go to shows in -30 degree temperatures. And bands unload in sketchy back alleys too, apparently.

Then it was on to Canada. Land of cheese fries with gravy, mounties and badass biker gangs. In Regina, Bobby Orr's legacy is immortalized in falling over. There are giant ice mountains. And I heart this place. At least we're not dead yet!

We'll be up in the Great Whit North for a few more days, then be smuggling- I mean crossing back into the good ol' U.S. of A. on Tuesday. You might not hear from me until then, but don't be scared. I might just be snuggling with those cute polar bears from the Coke commercials. They love to hug! And by hug I mean this.

Who the hell lives here?

2008-02-18T15:49:00.001-05:00

Seriously.

Wisconsin may have a lot of cheese, but they also have a lot of shitty drivers and horrible weather. I can't believe I'm actually glad to be in Minneapolis.

So that's what a floodplain is.

2008-02-17T17:46:00.000-05:00

Man, it is FLAT out here. And windy.

Last night was great. APTBS packed this place out. Locals Only is like your grandparents' basement, if it was a music venue. Dark, small and smelling of cigarettes and old. But it was cool.

The opening band had 2 girls in shiny silver unitards, and halfway through their set the redheaded one did some crazy stripper interpretive dancing with a hula hoop. I couldn't even tell you what they sounded like, that's all I remember.

The people running the show were very cool. I talked to a few people about Dudefest, which is looking pretty phenomenal this year. The sound was good, people bought a lot of merchandise, and they even had those warnings signs on the walls.

The RV is doing OK so far, but not having a generator sucks. Tonight's show at Schuba's is sold out, which is pretty cool. This is my second time in Chicago, and although I've only seen a little of it, I like it. The club is in a cool neighborhood, down the street from probably the best hot dogs I've ever had. Seriously.

We leave right after the show tonight to head for the cold, dark winter wonderland known as Minnesota. The band is doing an in-studio performance at a radio station before the show, so that should be interesting. If anything, I'll at least have some time to watch some Mystery Science Theater 3000 in its home state.

So I'm thinking we should name the RV. Any suggestions? We've been using "The Grand Ol' Traveling Party Palace", but I think we can do better.

Minneapolis, get ready!

Ups and downs.

2008-02-16T15:04:00.000-05:00

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those that brush their teeth in a Michigan Wal-Mart bathroom at 9 in the morning, and those that don't. Guess who just joined the first group? Yeah.

The generator on the RV has already given up, so we're running all our crazy electrical devices through a single cigarette lighter. It looks like something out of Tetsuo. But it's all good. Nice sunset over the Ohio landscape on the way to Detroit.

APTBS played the Magic Stick in Detroit last night, which is right next to the Majestic, where The Black Dahlia Murder were playing a hometown show. Kinda wish I could've seen that, but I'm not complaining. Detroit loves their rock, and I saw the first demanded APTBS encore of the tour.

We're sitting outside Locals Only in Indianapolis right now, and it looks like this place lives up to its name. It's in the boonies, and I'm not sure if the name implies we can't come in. We'll find out soon enough.

It's on to a sold-out show in Chicago tomorrow, and who knows? Maybe we'll burn it down again.

Relapse Records showcase!

2008-02-15T11:16:00.000-05:00

This is the one I was looking forward to the most, and it does not disappoint.

RELAPSE RECORDS SXSW SHOWCASE

This showcase, the label’s tenth consecutive at SXSW, will be held at Emo’s Annex (600 Red River Street) on Thursday, March 13th and will be open to the public as well as SXSW badge-holders.

This year’s line-up includes HIGH ON FIRE (Oakland, CA), GENGHIS TRON (Philadelphia, PA), COLISEUM (Louisville, KY), VVEREVVOLF GREHV (Omaha, NE), special guests MUNICIPAL WASTE (Richmond, VA), and Austin’s own MALA SUERTE.

It's on like Donkey Kong.

Greetings from Ohio

2008-02-15T10:57:00.000-05:00

The rest of the band is sleeping in various places at the moment. And I think it snowed last night.

Last night's show at the Beachland Bar was excellent. Good crowd, good sound. An excellent way to start off the tour. Cleveland likes their rock.

We're heading to Detroit at some point today. So this is how I will be dressed.

Oh yeah, another SXSW showcase. We'll still be in Oklahoma City, but this show looks pretty damn fun.

Air Raid Launch
Tuesday, March 11 | Red 7 (next to Beauty Bar on 7th St., Austin)
FREE SHOW, All Ages, Doors 8PM

Inside:
Naked Raygun
Complete Control
Hex Dispensers
Shot Baker

Outside:
Municipal Waste
Cancer Bats
Dub Trio
Iron Lung
Architects (KCMO)
Fight Amp

See you on the road, fools.

Let the games begin!

2008-02-13T21:42:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm sitting in a cold RV in Williamsburg, and I've somehow managed to hack into someone's wireless network. What can I say, I'm straight-up Swordfish.

Here is A Place To Bury Strangers' home for the next five and a half weeks. It's a sweet '95
Arrowhead Coronado. It's a trooper, as I discovered driving it from South Jersey (as in almost Delaware) to Connecticut last night. A 3 hour drive turned into 7 as I watched a never-ending stream of crashes, slides and all sorts of shitty driving on the Garden State. The Coronado lived up to its name though, navigating the nasty terrain and unfriendly natives with ease.

Tomorrow we hit Cleveland for the first show of the tour. Fitting, as it's the home of rock and roll. And, um, it really does bury strangers. (Check that out, it's pretty scary.)

Well my battery's about to die, so I leave you now to wander the streets. Or find the closest bar. See you in Cleveland.

Road Rage

2008-02-10T13:02:00.000-05:00

OK, so like I said before, I'm hitting the road. A Place To Bury Strangers is heading out on their first national tour, and I'm behind the wheel. And the merch table most nights. And who knows where else. Exciting, no? If you have the ways and means, get there.

The band is direct support for Holy Fuck (no, not this Holy Fuck) for most shows.

Here's the list of dates:

* = with Holy Fuck
Thursday 2/14/08 – Beachland Bar, Cleveland OH
Friday 2/15/08 – Magic Stick, Detroit MI
Saturday 2/16/08 – Locals Only, Indianapolis IN
Sunday 2/17/08 – Schuba’s, Chicago IL*
Monday 2/18/08 – Triple Rock, Minneapolis MN*
Tuesday 2/19/08 – The Aquarium (Dempsey’s Upstairs), Fargo, ND
Wednesday 2/20/08 – Parkway Theatre, Winnipeg MB*
Thursday 2/21/08 – The Exchange, Regina SK*
Friday 2/22/08 – Starlite Room (upstairs), Edmonton AB*
Saturday 2/23/08 – The Hifi Club, Calgary AB*
Monday 2/25/08 – Richards on Richards, Vancouver BC*
Tuesday 2/26/08 - Chop Suey, Seattle WA
Wednesday 2/27/08 – Doug Fir, Portland OR
Friday 2/29/08 – Bottom of the Hill, San Francisco CA*
Saturday 3/1/08 – Spaceland, Los Angeles CA
Monday 3/3/08 – Casbah, San Diego CA
Tuesday 3/4/08 – Plush, Tucson AZ
Thursday 3/6/08 – Urban Lounge, Salt Lake City UT*
Friday 3/7/08 – Larimer, Denver CO*
Saturday 3/8/08 – Record Bar, Kansas City MO*
Sunday 3/9/08 – The Waiting Room, Omaha NE*
Monday 3/10/08 – Bluebird, St. Louis MO*
Tuesday 3/11/08 – Conservatory, Oklahoma City OK*
Wednesday 3/12/08-Saturday 3/15/08 – SXSW, Austin TX
Sunday 3/16/08 – One Eyed Jacks, New Orleans LA
Monday 3/17/08 – Drunken Unicorn, Atlanta GA*
Tuesday 3/18/08 – Local 506, Chapel Hill NC
Wednesday 3/19/08 – Rock ‘N Roll Hotel, Washington DC
Thursday 3/20/08 – Johnny Brenda’s, Philadelphia PA
Friday 3/21/08 – Middle East (Upstairs), Boston MA*
Saturday 3/22/08 – Music Hall of Williamsburg, Brooklyn NY*

The South By Southwest shows will be announced soon, can't do it yet.

During the tour I'll be updating this thing with random occurrences and hilarious photos. I don't take pictures of anything without entertainment value, so stay tuned. Hopefully there will be a goat involved somewhere down the line.

Hope some of you crazy bastards (and bastardettes) can make it out!

Oh yeah, Bert and Ernie don't fuck around.

More SXSWy news.

2008-02-01T14:35:00.001-05:00

I will be posting my own SXSW activities very soon, as well as the entire tour I'm taking part in. Aren't you excited? Unfortunately I'm talk to no one, so yes I am excited.

Anyways, here are a few more shows and showcases with some sweet bands:

Austin Chronicle says Okkervil River w/ Roky Erickson on the 12th @ Austin Music Hall.

Radar Recordings/Giant Step showcase:

March 16th @ Red 7

Russian Circles, Portugal The Man, Tera Melos, This Will Destroy You, Maps & Atlases, Caspian, Consider the Source, Junius, Adai, Coliseum, The Coma Recovery, Genghis Tron, Circle Takes the Square, The Grasshopper Lies Heavy

Hydrahead Records Showcase:

March 14th

Torche, Kayo Dot, Clouds, Everlovely Lightingheart, and more.

I'm thinking that conflicting shows are on their way, and hopefully nothing way too good will come head to head.

And since I already broke my promise last time, here's an especially awesome clip of Death live...somewhere.

A quick one, while he's away.

2008-01-31T14:37:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to mention this, I suppose this will be a good place to find the heavy stuff for SXSW. Another showcase has been announced, this time from Detroit MI's Small Stone Records. If you love weed, booze, riffs, or all three, chances are you dig these bands. Here's the skinny:

The Small Stone Showcase @ SXSW 2008 will take place on Friday March, 14th at The Room 710 in Austin, TX - (512) 476-0997. We will be taking over the 710 for the entire afternoon & evening of rawk and what not. The final line up this year is the following:

Night (the Official SXSW Showcase)

8pm Shame Club
9pm A Thousand Knives Of Fire
10pm Roadsaw
11pm Dixie Witch
12 mid Puny Human
1am Sasquatch

Day Party (Free Grub & Free Entry)

1pm Dead End Lake
2pm Blood Of The Sun
3pm Tia Carrera
4pm Iota
5pm SuperHeavyGoatAss

You bet your ass I'll be there.

There's nothing wrong with Molly Hatchet.

2008-01-28T11:47:00.000-05:00

I'm being serious. Why is it necessary to knock bands like this? Yeah, their fan base is mostly made up of people whose family trees have no branches, but that's no reason to not indulge in riff-rock boogies now and then. Case in point: "Fall Of The Peacemakers", an 8-minute epic with all the makings of a "Freebird" or a "Green Grass & High Tides", yet it's been unjustly forgotten by the rock masses. Fuck it, I'm bringing it back. Call up your nearest cock-rock radio station and request it. Or download it, but don't ask me where. I'm a sap that doesn't know the free sites.

Yes, I still buy CDs. I enjoy buying CDs. The used section at the local FYE is wonderful. I can go in there and methodically go through each letter, perhaps coming across a buried gem. Like yesterday, I picked up these albums:

Fu Manchu - King Of The Road
Type O Negative - October Rust
Cathedral - The Ethereal Mirror
Sepultura - Morbid Visions (!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Yes, I found the first Sepultura album in a fucking FYE for 6 dollars! Try doing that at a Virgin megastore. I got all 4 of these albums for less than 30 dollars. "Yeah", you might say, "but I downloaded them all for free rofl!!1". Well guess what, Sally: I've got the artwork and an actual physical product in my hands. What happens when your computer crashes? Oh noes!

I'm not knocking everyone who downloads all their music. I've done it with a few songs and albums here and there, singles and other stuff I can't find elsewhere. It's a good thing to do with bands you're not sure of yet, too. I downloaded an Angel Corpse album, and totally dug it so now I'll most likely buy a CD of theirs next time. What I can't stand are the elitist pricks that think buying CDs is for "sheep" or "consumer whores". Hey asshole, it's not like I'm clamoring for the next Timberlake album. 95% of what I buy is on independent labels or at shows directly from the band, so it's helping in a small way. Music Nazi punks fuck off!

I was going to do an album review, but I don't feel like it anymore. Here's today's cool live video: Napalm Death in Vienna last March.

The Big Bang

2008-01-15T22:13:00.000-05:00

So, this is where it all begins. I'd like to go into intricate details on numerous topics...but not now. Some other time. I'm tired.

Since this will primarily be a music-related outlet, I'll start off with my top 10 albums of 2007. Here it is:

BARONESS - The Red Album
PIG DESTROYER - Phantom Limb
DOWN - III: Over The Under
A PLACE TO BURY STRANGERS - s/t
WITCHCRAFT - The Alchemist
MAYLENE & THE SONS OF DISASTER - II
THE RED CHORD - Prey For Eyes
KING DIAMOND - Give Me Your Soul...Please
NUNSLAUGHTER - Hex

There are plenty of honorable mentions as well:

Zozobra - Harmonic Tremors
A Life Once Lost - Iron Gag
The Black Dahlia Murder - Nocturnal
Municipal Waste - The Art Of Partying

Now I know I'm probably missing a lot of hipster indie shit that indicates supposedly "good" musical taste. You know what? Fuck you. Yeah, I have A Place To Bury Strangers on my top 10. I work for them, so go ahead and call me biased. But if they sucked, I wouldn't. And they don't, hence the top 10 position. They're the most aggressive, abrasive, exciting band in this whole mess and I wouldn't have anything to with them otherwise. So there. Don't believe me? Check this out.

I'm coming from a metal background, so I've had the fortune to come into this other New York/Pitchfork/wherever scene with fresh ears. Four months ago, you could have played me a Battles song right after a Holy Fuck song and I would've thought it was the same band. Hell, I probably still would now. (And admit it, you argyle-sweater-wearing indie Nazi, you can't tell the difference either.)

So go ahead, make fun of the mongoloid metal guy who doesn't know what he's talking about. I've got a Master's in Say It To My Face And I'll Prove You Wrong Before Melting Your Face.

So, we've gotten that out of the way. On to other things.

The End Records has announced their SXSW showcase lineup, which is:

March 15th, 2008
The Ale House

ALEX SKOLNICK TRIO
JARBOE
TUB RING
MADE OUT OF BABIES
NADJA
GIANT

This is a great bill, showcasing some serious talent and energetic live acts. Giant is The End's newest band, I've heard nothing but good things about them and can't wait to see them in the flesh.

There will be album reviews, show reviews and all kinds of fun shit in future entries, but like I said, I'm tired and that'll be all for now. I will, however, end each entry with an awesome obscure live video. So here's some vintage Corrosion Of Conformity, from my beloved state of Connecticut.

The Man has left the building.